


rookie

by gotchick



Series: xx hours [3]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: M/M, boss jackson x errand boy mark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-15 20:42:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 37,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11813814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotchick/pseuds/gotchick
Summary: prompt: "I want to suggest a jjp office au. Super fluffy and lightly smutty ;). Jaebum is super smitten and doesn't know how to express his crush on jinyoung and jinyoung is confused with his behavior coz he's slow at realizing things like this. Also, jaebum does a lotta things which are super sweet as a secret admirer maybe. You can add your magic and build it from there."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is for minigot7, thank you so much for the very inspiring prompt (as you can see, I was so inspired by your idea that this fic turned out longer than the others, so i decided to split it into 2 parts haha. but the second chapter will be much shorter than the first :)) though i’m sorry there isn’t any smut in this part and i’m not sure if there will be in the next either, but i still hope my fill turned out similar to what you had in mind and you enjoy reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it! :)

“Good morning, Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung jumps at the deep voice that appears beside his ear the moment he sits down at his desk, frazzled and flustered.

He spins around to see that it belongs to his superior, Jackson. Jackson is usually a genial and approachable manager of their team, but Jinyoung isn’t sure if he’s in a friendly mood today because Jinyoung is late. Only five minutes, but punctuality is the most important rule in their office. Three misdemeanours, and one could be fired.

“M-morning, Mr Wang.” Jinyoung shifts his takeaway coffee cup out of sight with his elbow and tries to look efficient and composed as he props himself against his desk, sitting up straighter. Maybe Jackson didn’t notice he came in late.

His hopes are dashed immediately when the suited man says casually, “I came by your desk a while ago but you weren’t at work yet.”

“I… uh…” Jinyoung is cringing inwardly, readying himself to relent and admit his lateness, when another voice interjects into their conversation.

“He was making some photocopies for me.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widen, flitting to the desk opposite his, the person sitting there facing him directly. Despite sitting in such close quarters, they rarely exchange any eye contact or conversation daily because of the wall that is erected between their cubicles. Now, he still can’t see the man speaking, but recognises the voice as belonging to his colleague, Im Jaebum.

Jackson can apparently see him very well from his position leaning over Jinyoung’s desk, his eyes now studying Jaebum over the wall Jinyoung is blocked by.

“Really?” He addresses the question to Jinyoung, who stutters, unable to lie at convincingly such short notice. He admires the way Jaebum effortlessly fibbed on command, sounding mild and truthful. Thankfully, Jackson doesn’t wait for his answer before furrowing his brows slightly at Jaebum.

“You shouldn’t be asking Jinyoung to do such duties. He has his own work to do. Isn’t there an errand boy around here who is in charge of helping out?”

“There was a girl, but she quit last week,” Jaebum points out without missing a beat, unruffled.

“Oh, right.” Jackson apparently remembers this fact, and turns back to Jinyoung. “That was what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Jinyoung heaves a silent sigh of relief that he’s not about to be reprimanded for his lack of punctuality, but a tinge of anxious curiosity. What has he got to do with the errand boy or girl? Is Jackson about to demote him to that position?

“Come on,” Jackson beckons him impatiently, and Jinyoung obediently pushes back his sliding chair and gets to his feet.

Before they depart to Jackson’s office, Jackson turns back as if wanting to have the last word with Jaebum.

“If there’s no one to help you, do it yourself the next time. Both of you. You have more important work of your own to do than helping each other.”

He seems satisfied with his dispensed commands, and strides without looking back towards his office at the corner of their floor. Before Jinyoung follows after, he glances back to see Jaebum for the first time since he spoke up to weave a lie to help Jinyoung out of the awkward situation. Jaebum is already back at work, typing quickly on his keyboard. His eyes are serious and intent, seeming to have totally forgotten Jinyoung and Jackson.

“Thanks,” Jinyoung blurts out anyway, in a mumble. Jaebum finally looks up at him.

Jinyoung feels his cheeks growing warm for some reason. Maybe it’s because Jaebum is concentrating hard on what he’s typing, but the eyes behind his glasses are darker and more intense than Jinyoung expected.

He doesn’t expect the colleague sitting opposite him who he doesn’t know well to crack a small smile. It softens Jaebum’s entire stern demeanour immediately. He nods at Jinyoung before returning to his work without replying verbally, but Jinyoung feels like he can hear Jaebum’s unspoken reply in that calm and reassuring voice he remembers from just moments ago.

 _You’re welcome_.

 

Walking at a brisk clip towards Jackson’s office because he’s about to be late again, Jinyoung straightens the noose of his tie and runs a hand down the front of his white work shirt to make sure it’s tucked in neatly. Neither of them had bothered to correct Jackson’s misunderstanding that they frequently help each other out with mundane tasks. In fact, this is the first time they’ve ever done each other a favour. Or more accurately, he received a favour from Jaebum.

Although they were in the same batch of trainees entering the company three months ago, attended orientation on the same day, and have sat next to each other in the subsequent months, they haven’t really talked much.

Perhaps it’s because of Jaebum’s seemingly reticent personality. At first glance, Jinyoung had gotten the impression that he’s an aloof and shy kind of guy who doesn’t speak much. And he hadn’t been wrong. Although Jinyoung talks relatively more to the other colleagues in their team, during breaks in the pantry and when they go out for lunch together, he kept his outgoing and sociable nature in check when it came to Jaebum because Jinyoung couldn’t read from his blank expression whether or not he would appreciate such advances. Slightly wary of intruding into Jaebum’s personal space and causing potential awkwardness with his seat neighbour, Jinyoung kept a respectful distance. That’s why he never discovered until today what a surprisingly pretty smile Jaebum has.

In fact, he was wrong about his hypothesis that Jaebum was quiet. The first time Jinyoung witnessed Jaebum conducting a one-on-one meeting with a client in the glass-walled meeting room of their office, although he couldn’t hear what they were saying, he could tell from Jaebum’s body language how confident he was, with no signs of any meekness. Apparently, when the occasion arose, Jaebum could be as well-spoken as anyone. The client, who was following Jaebum’s presentation riveted, looked as impressed as Jinyoung felt.

These thoughts occupy Jinyoung’s mind as he covers the short distance to Jackson’s office, knocks politely and pushes the door open. He’s a beat slower again, but Jackson doesn’t seem to notice. It takes a second for Jinyoung to realise they aren’t alone; there’s another young man standing with his hands clasped respectfully in front of him before Jackson’s desk where he’s seated. He’s also dressed in similar semi-formal attire to Jinyoung. Only Jackson is decked out in a blazer because he often has to leave the office to attend events where he has to entertain their most important clients and seal deals, but even now he has peeled it off and hung it on the back of his chair.

Jackson doesn’t look impatient now. He’s even smiling as he introduces pleasantly, “Jinyoung, I want you to meet Mark Tuan. He’s our latest hire for the position of office assistant.”

It takes a while to for Jinyoung to register that _office assistant_ is a glorified term for errand boy. Mark is beaming broadly, looking enthusiastic about his new job. He has a vampiric smile, sharp corner teeth peeking out cutely. Jinyoung likes him immediately and understands why Jackson is in a good mood. It’s hard not to feel happy around Mark’s smile.

“Welcome to the team, Mr Tuan. I’m Park Jinyoung.” Jinyoung extends a warm hand, bowing.

Mark immediately takes his hand and pumps it firmly. “It’s nice to meet you. And please, just call me Mark.”

“Sure. Mark-ssi?” Jinyoung tries, uncertainly while trying to gauge Mark’s age by looking at him. He looks around the same age as Jinyoung, or even younger, but that may just be his baby face. Jinyoung just gets the feeling he’s older.

Mark seems to read his thoughts with remarkable observance, waving a hand reassuringly. “It’s fine, Jinyoung-ssi. I’m from the US, and we don’t really have age hierarchy there.”

“Oh, okay then, I guess.” Jinyoung relaxes. “But please just call me Jinyoung too.”

“All right.” Mark grins again.

Jackson claps his hands, drawing their eyes back to him. He clears his throat and shuffles some papers.

“It’s Mark’s first day, so he’ll need someone to show him the ropes round the office for the first week. Can I count on you to do that, Jinyoung?”

“Of course!” Jinyoung replies so quickly and gladly, Jackson raises a bemused eyebrow. Mark’s smile widens.

“I’ll have to impose on you then.” He bows to Jinyoung gratefully again. Jinyoung realises he must be nervous beneath his cheerful exterior.

“Now shoo, I have work to do,” Jackson says importantly, waving them out, and Jinyoung hides a smile. They both bow their way out of his office politely.

 

Once out on the floor, Mark starts trailing behind Jinyoung like a baby bird, betraying his uncertainty and intimidation in a new environment. Jinyoung tries to put him at ease, showing him the pantry first and getting them both lattes from the espresso machine. It occurs to him only after he fills his cup that Mark hasn’t brought his own cup in yet.

When he offers Mark his, however, he’s surprised to hear Mark mumble, “Ah, thank you, but Jackson — um, Mr Wang — said I could use his cup for today.”

Jinyoung’s eyebrows shoot up. “Do you know Mr Wang? As in, are you guys friends or something?” He blushes when he realises how like a gossipy office worker he sounds.

But Mark doesn’t seem to notice, smiling easily again as he replies, “No, we just met today.” He sounds embarrassed as he continues. “But he was very thoughtful to remember that I don’t have a cup and said I could use his if I like, while we were talking before you came into the office.”

“Hmmm.” Jinyoung ponders this as he carefully fills Jackson’s WANG-emblazoned expensive ceramic mug, which is usually placed on the highest level of the shelf and no one dares to touch, much less borrow.

“He must be a nice boss to have,” Mark gushes, looking starry-eyed.

“Uh… yeah, I guess he’s okay,” Jinyoung responds noncommittally. _Except he doesn’t usually offer employees his mug_ , he doesn’t add, figuring it’s none of his business. Jackson may just be being nice since Mark is new and an English speaker like him. He would do the same, seeing how infectious Mark’s grin is.

 

He takes Mark on a tour of the office, showing him how to operate the photocopier, fax and other machines in the supplies room, and how to unpack and reload the sheafs of white A4 paper they use up packets of on a daily basis for printing documents. They finally end up back at his cubicle, around an hour after he left with Jackson. Jinyoung notices Jaebum still sitting at his desk from his standing position, something he doesn’t usually do. In the previous months, Jaebum had just been part of the scenery of the office, typing away quietly at his computer like all the rest of their team. Maybe it’s because of how Jaebum jumped to his rescue this morning.

Jinyoung shifts his eyes away, back to Mark, who is smiling hesitantly.

“This is my desk,” Jinyoung says inanely, gesturing to it.

“Oh,” Mark’s eyes widen appreciatively, taking in the layout and slight disarray. “It’s nice.”

Jinyoung crooks a smile at that. “You mean messy, but thanks.” Mark laughs for the first time since they met; he has a nice laugh too. It’s unfair how some guys get all the luck, and are so nice Jinyoung can’t even be envious of them.

“So anyway, I have to get back to work. You should get started on your duties too.”

Mark nods, blinking a little dazedly.

“Just make a round of the office and see if anybody looks like they need some help. I mean, they’ll probably stop you and ask if they do, but some people might not know you’re the — uh, office assistant yet. Don’t worry though, everyone will know who you are within a few days.”

Mark looks a little intimidated by Jinyoung’s words, so he quickly assures, “Seriously, don’t worry. Everyone’s really nice.” He smiles at Mark to convey his honesty.

Mark smiles back, eyes shiny with gratitude. “Will do. Thanks, Jinyoung. You did a really good job showing me around. And sorry for imposing on you.”

“It was no imposition! I had much more fun walking around the office with you than I do working.” Jinyoung says truthfully, but Mark laughs again like he’s kidding.

As he’s walking away, Jinyoung calls out to Mark from where he’s settled back into his seat. “Hyung, let’s go and eat together at lunchtime.”

Mark looks surprised and delighted being called hyung, which Jinyoung did partially to relax Mark and partially because even though Mark said it was okay, he still doesn’t feel comfortable dropping all honorifics.

“I’ll look forward to it.” Mark salutes him sweetly, before starting his first duties of the day with Jinyoung, switching to professional mode in a second. “So… can I be of service to you, Jinyoung-ssi?”

 

It doesn’t take a few days — by the end of the day, everyone in the office knows Mark’s name because he has helped almost all of them run at least one errand, and very efficiently and competently. Jinyoung smiles every time he hears an urgent call of “Markeu-yah!” ringing out, and nimble footsteps hurrying in the direction of the voice. It looks like Mark has become an indispensable part of the team already.

He catches Mark’s soft-spoken voice saying shyly but eagerly, “Yes, sir!” or “Right away, ma’am” occasionally, and feels gladdened that he seems to be getting along well on his first day at work. Jinyoung himself had barely known what he was doing on his first day. Even Jackson seems to approve of Mark’s quick uptake of his duties — although the wall of his office is opaque, Jinyoung glimpses him glancing at Mark with an impressed smile while in a discussion with a few colleagues in the meeting room.

Jinyoung assumes Mark will agree to his proposition to go home together — he doesn’t have a car of his own yet, but they could share a cab, maybe grab dinner too — because they had a good time at lunch in a nearby eatery Jinyoung took him to but he’s surprised when Mark declines regretfully.

“It’s raining, so Mr Wang offered to give me a lift home. He knows my address from my resume and told me it’s on his way home,” he explains.

“Oh, I see.” Jinyoung is more surprised to hear that Mark lives near Jackson’s area than that he can’t go. The whole office knows Jackson lives in one of the most affluent districts in Seoul, his family being the Chinese version of Korea’s _chaebol_ s. Maybe Mark is secretly a rich young master too.

“We can have lunch together again tomorrow, though?” Mark offers bashfully, and lights up when Jinyoung nods and smiles. Mark’s phone vibrates in his hand, and he looks down. Apparently he has already exchanged numbers with Jackson — which Jinyoung hasn’t even done with either of them — because Mark tells him that Jackson is waiting in the carpark for him and he has to run. Perhaps Jackson wants to compliment him on his work performance today.

“See you tomorrow, hyung!” Jinyoung calls after Mark’s retreating figure, then traipses back to his cubicle. Almost everyone else has left, early because of the drizzle that’s starting. Idly, Jinyoung’s eyes flicker over Jaebum’s vacated desk as he passes by. Jaebum stays overtime many evenings, but today isn’t one of them. Probably rushing back to his warm apartment and waiting girlfriend who has cooked him dinner, like the rest of them. Jinyoung sighs and reaches down to pick up his briefcase stowed beneath his desk.

He stops to see a small, grey foldable umbrella sitting on his desk. There’s no note, but Jinyoung joins the dots in a few seconds to conclude that it could only be Mark who was so considerate to even think of dropping his umbrella on Jinyoung’s desk on his way out, since he wouldn’t need it in Jackson’s car. Jinyoung smiles and picks it up with his bag, feeling slightly less weary of making the trip back home alone in the rain.

 

He arrives at work on time the next day, even a little early, so to say that he’s surprised to see a cup of coffee from his usual coffee place sitting at the table on the same spot the umbrella was yesterday, is an understatement. Gingerly, Jinyoung reaches for it. It’s still warm, a familiar aroma emanating from within. His mouth falls open as he lifts the cover to peek inside the paper cup with a cardboard sleeve. Caramel macchiato, his favourite drink. Someone has done their research.

Then he sees someone waving cheerfully at him from the other side of the office — it’s Mark, early to work too and eager to start his second day. Jinyoung laughs and lifts the coffee cup to him in a gesture of thanks, and takes his first sip. It feels a little anticlimactic now that the mystery has been solved so quickly, but he should have guessed even before Mark waved that no one else in the office could be behind this. Being the thoughtful soul he is, Mark must have noticed Jinyoung’s by-then cold cup of coffee when Jinyoung showed him his desk yesterday, and felt bad for taking Jinyoung away for an hour.

The team works quietly until lunchtime, only the muted footsteps of Mark zipping to and fro from the supplies room or to the pantry to refill someone’s coffee breaking up the silence a little. Jinyoung savours his cup slowly, feeling special that he’s the only one Mark bought expensive coffee for.

Mark swings by his desk the moment everyone dissembles for lunch, big grin draped across his face.

“Where shall we go today, Jinyoungie?”

Jinyoung feels invigorated immediately, despite always feeling the urge to take an afternoon nap at midday. He’s chattering as he gathers up his stuff, makes sure he has his wallet.

“I’ll take you to another cafe we often visit where the food is cheap and good. Oh, by the way — thanks.”

Jinyoung holds the umbrella out to him, smiling a little embarrassedly. He’s unsure why Mark looks a little confused, staring at it as if he’s never seen it before.

“Um… what’s this?”

“Didn’t you leave this umbrella on my desk yesterday because it was raining?” Jinyoung gapes at him.

Mark opens his mouth to answer, when a noise from the other side of the wall in front of Jinyoung takes his attention away.

Jinyoung peers worriedly at Mark as he leans further over the wall to see whatever’s happened on Jaebum’s side. “Are you okay?” he hears Mark ask Jaebum.

Jaebum probably nods or something because Jinyoung doesn’t hear him answer. He’s about to get to his feet to look over the wall too, curious and concerned, but Mark stops him with a hand. He turns back to Jinyoung and smiles. “It’s okay, he just knocked something over.”

As he said, Jaebum looks like his usual bland impassive self as he stands up and Jinyoung can see his head and shoulders over the top of the barrier. Jaebum gathers some of his stuff and turns to walk off, presumably for lunch. Mark and Jinyoung finally turn back to each other to resume their conversation.

“Sorry, Jinyoung, but it wasn’t me.” Mark looks apologetic for Jinyoung’s misunderstanding, even though it’s not even his fault.

“You didn’t leave this on my desk?” Jinyoung waves it in front of him again, as if taking a closer look will make Mark change his answer.

Mark shakes his head woefully. “I mean, I would have if I had one of my own, but I didn’t bring any either, so… To be honest, it didn’t even occur to me that you might need one.” He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Oh.” Jinyoung sets the umbrella back on his table in disappointment.

“It was probably someone else.” Mark flashes a dimple at him. “Maybe a secret admirer?” He winks.

 

_Maybe a secret admirer?_

Mark’s four careless words continue to replay in Jinyoung’s mind as they head out for lunch, himself a little dazedly. Maybe he’s just reading too much into it — Jinyoung sneaks a peek at Mark’s broad, artless smile as he lopes at a lazy pace alongside Jinyoung — but had Mark’s words had more than one literal meaning? Jinyoung’s already feeling foolish enough that the secret admirer possibility hadn’t occured to him before Mark brought it up. His friends often tease him as slow on the uptake, dense to put it nicely, although Jinyoung prides himself on having a high emotional intelligence. Now, he proudly thinks, his emotional quotient is proven by his sixth sense that Mark may be giving him a hint. In his fluster as they left the office, he had clean forgotten to ask Mark about the cup of coffee in the morning. But now, for some reason, something’s holding him back from asking. He doesn’t know what reaction he dreads more — Mark turning pink and confessing that yes, it was him, and so was the umbrella; he lied because he was shy; or Mark looking highly amused and teasing Jinyoung till _he_ turned pink about his “secret admirer”.

Eventually, Jinyoung decides that he will keep the question to himself for the moment, while he tries to scope Mark’s feelings out, as well as keep a lookout for who else might have left the umbrella and coffee. The only reason why he jumped to the conclusion that it was Mark is because he simply can’t think of anyone else in the office who might be doing these little gestures for him, even when he mentally runs down the list of all his colleagues. He gets along well with all of them, but most of the friendships are casual, not to the depth that they would be thoughtful enough to think of his conveniences and needs.

And so a week goes by while he increases his awareness of his surroundings, keeping an eye out for little details he might have missed previously. Maybe because of his sharpened observation, he notices a few more things he was previously unaware of. Such as the number of times the people sitting around him — including Jaebum — get up for toilet breaks, the noises of them speed-typing and setting their mugs down; their low voices when they take calls. How many evenings a week they work overtime, and whether they arrive earlier or later than him in the morning.

However, since the coffee incident, activity from his mysterious benefactor seems to have toned down to complete radio silence. Jinyoung isn’t sure whether to feel disappointed or relieved as seven days go by without him receiving any other anonymous gesture of sweet goodwill. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting — another caramel macchiato with the cardboard sleeve reading “Caution: You’re too hot to handle”? It’s stupid. He doesn’t even know if the person who left them did so in a romantic or platonic way, or worse, simply as a practical joke.

 

He has almost nearly convinced himself of the final option on the morning of his birthday. He steps into the office slightly grouchily because he had been hoping his birthday would fall on a weekend this year. He could take the day off, but he didn’t want to waste his allotted days of leave on his own birthday when he’s not even sick or anything. It would feel something like giving oneself a birthday present — nice, but ultimately unsatisfying.

What he’s really hoping for, Jinyoung realises, as he plods to his familiar and cramped cubicle, is a surprise. He wants to be pleasantly surprised by someone he’s not expecting, with a gift he’s not expecting. Maybe it’s a spoilt kind of wish, but birthdays don’t feel complete without surprises. He knows it’s probably a useless hope, though, since no one in the office, including Mark, even knows about his birthday. Well — he guesses Jackson would, if he remembered it from his resume. But although Jackson gave Mark a birthday surprise on his birthday — which Jinyoung only knows because Mark told him — Jinyoung doubts this is something he does for all his staff. Not that he wants to receive a birthday surprise from his superior; that would be too weird.

He is deep in these ruminations as he trudges towards his desk. When he arrives, he nearly drops his bag to see a slim gift-wrapped package placed in the middle of his desk. It’s simply wrapped but the colours are elegantly chosen, obviously by someone tasteful. Again, there’s no note or card but the ribbon used to tie the rectangle up in a bow has _Happy Birthday_ printed on it so there’s no doubt this is a birthday gift.

A birthday surprise.

From his secret admirer.

It takes Jinyoung all his self-control not to rush up and throw himself down on his chair, grab the package and rip it open. His hands are shaking and he hopes he’s not breathing too loudly in excitement as he carefully peels off the tape with trembling hands.

It’s a book, J.D. Salinger’s _Catcher In The Rye_. In its original English.

“Oh my god,” Jinyoung can’t help breathing. He swears tears are nearly in his eyes as he cracks open the spine gently, brings it up to his nose to inhale that glorious new-pages smell. Evidently, his secret admirer is well-informed enough not only to know his birthday, but also that he has been wanting to buy the English edition of one of his favourite classics ever since his English improved enough to be able to understand it. He’s now certain it must be someone in this office, not only because all the gifts have appeared on his desk but because he had been reading the Korean translation of _The Catcher In The Rye_ in the office in his first month working here, during breaks. He hadn’t even known, back then, that someone was already noticing him enough to see and remember till now his literary tastes and hobbies.

He’s completely overwhelmed. To be honest, he doesn’t know whether to feel creeped out or incredibly flattered.

He reminds himself not to freak out, that this person, whoever they may be, has only done nice things for him so far. Very nice ones, without a single hint of creepiness. They may very well just be too shy to approach him directly, and testing out the waters with these little gifts first. He shouldn’t be so sensitive and misinterpret an innocent gesture. It’s kind of cute, actually, like the way back in high school girls would leave chocolates and candy and love letters in his locker to confess to him. He never thought he could find himself bowled over by the romance of such a gesture.

He’s probably biased, because he secretly loves being pampered. He adores being noticed, attention being showered upon him by someone who knows him well and who knows how to please his obscure tastes. It’s embarrassing to admit but Jinyoung wants to know more about his secret admirer, wants to know him better so he can check if this person really is as similar to, as understanding of Jinyoung as he seems.

Also, however much he tries, he just can’t bring himself to put his guard up against anyone in their office as he looks all around, eyes roving past every single person. Even the people he seldom interacts with — like Jaebum — Jinyoung’s intuition tells him are all harmless and kind souls. He’s known all these people for more than three months now but it’s mind-boggling to discover that one of them has perhaps held a torch for him for almost as long without him ever finding out. This person must be very good at hiding their feelings — but are their recent overtures a hint that they might be ready to reveal their identity?

It’s terribly exciting, so much that he can barely concentrate on his work that day. His eyes keep flitting to the book lying on the side of his desk, unable to wait for the first chance to start devouring it as if the words he is already so familiar with will contain a clue to their giver’s intentions and feelings.

 

At least this latest gift allows him to rule out at least one person: Mark. He couldn’t have seen Jinyoung reading the Korean translation three months ago, as he hadn’t started working here back then. Jinyoung also rules out the colleagues he knows are married or dating someone. However, this still leaves a number that’s too big to narrow down to or pin down just one person. He’s hesitant to rule out the male half for some reason — something about the gifts gives him a feeling that the sender may not be female; and Jinyoung surprises himself by not feeling unreceptive about receiving them from a man. He’s never dated men before, but one can never tell until they come along what the right person’s gender will be.

After his birthday, he starts spending an inordinate amount of time thinking dreamily of this unidentified person. Even when he’s doing other things, he finds his thoughts flitting towards them: what could they be doing right now? Are they thinking of him too? Are they gazing longingly at him from across the office when he’s unaware, wondering about his thoughts and not knowing they are the same? Will he ever be able to meet and thank them personally, and make friends with them?

He racks his brain to think of a way to communicate with them. He can’t very well leave a post-it note in the centre of his desk, not knowing when they will come by next. Even more ridiculous is the possibility of him standing up in the middle of the office during work and yelling, “Show yourself, my secret admirer! I just want to know who you are and say thank you!”

It’s frustrating.

Eventually, he settles on the best idea he can think of, although it’s not very ideal or satisfactory — he sticks a post-it on the ledge of the shelf above his desk, thanking the person who has left him the gifts as sweetly and unthreateningly as possible, reassuring them that he just wants to express his gratitude in person and be friends and that he really, really wishes that they would give him a clue who they are or contact him again, unanonymously. He sighs disconsolately every day that he arrives at the office and sees his note unanswered and fluttering in a lonely way, the space of his table empty. He hopes he hasn’t scared the person off. Or maybe they’ve already lost interest.

He even considers asking Mark, or the colleagues sitting next to and nearby him to help him spy on activity around his desk when he’s absent. But for some reason, he holds back. He doesn’t want to expose the mystery person by less than scrupulous means unless they voluntarily step out, doesn’t want to make them think that he’s mocking or cornering them in any way. He’s already made himself clear in the note and now he can only wait. But Jinyoung finds himself despairing when he realises that the person he is waiting for may no longer want to contact him, or may not like him enough to step out of the shadows. He realises that even without knowing who this person is, his curiosity — and another emotion he cannot pin down — has already been aroused.

 

All is quiet from his secret admirer’s side for another span of time. Jinyoung slowly loses hope that anything will ever come out of his efforts to draw him into the light. It’s not the first time Jinyoung has had secret admirers, but it’s the first time he finds himself so intrigued and taken by them. He never thought himself as the type who would enjoy being romanced and tantalized like this, but maybe it’s not so much the style of courtship as the image he has of the person behind it.

He’s chatting in the pantry with Mark one day, joking that he’s booked Mark for lunch today — because amusingly, every time Jinyoung asked Mark out for lunch the last few times Mark apologetically replied that Jackson had already claimed his lunch hour — when Mark accepts and asks, out of the blue, “Should we ask… Jaebum-ssi along?”

Jinyoung coughs a little on his cappuccino, so surprised is he by the unexpected question. “Why?”

Mark scratches his head. “Well, I may be too sensitive, but…”

“It’s alright. You can tell me,” Jinyoung urges him.

Mark shrugs. “I just get the feeling that he doesn’t like me much sometimes.”

Jinyoung gapes at him for a moment, then breaks into startled laughter. He waves his hand dismissively. “Nah, he’s like that with everybody, including me. It’s just his personality — he’s the quiet type.”

Mark smiles but looks unconvinced. “But… he’s the only one in the office who’s never asked me to run a single errand for him.”

Jinyoung gulps. Now that does sound a little strange, because Jaebum must need help with his errands like everybody else. But to reassure Mark, he tries to downplay it. “He probably doesn’t want to add to your burden, seeing how much work you already get from everybody.”

Mark looks a little cheered at this. “Yeah, I thought so too. That’s why I’ve been thinking of inviting him out for a meal to show him there’s no hard feelings and he can rely on me anytime!”

Faced with Mark’s innocent eagerness, Jinyoung doesn’t know what to say for a moment. To be honest, Mark’s not the first one who’s thought of inviting Jaebum out for lunch. In the past four months, since they started working together, the possibility had occured to Jinyoung a few times. But every time he thought of asking Jaebum to join him or a group of them at lunchtime, he chickened out. It wasn’t any fault of Jaebum’s — especially after he had demonstrated that friendly gesture to Jinyoung on Mark’s first day of work — but he guesses that Jaebum just has that intimidating and forbidding aura that makes one unsure how he would react to being approached.

As the person sitting closest to Jaebum in the office, they have both cultivated a distance they silently agreed on with each other, a radius of personal space within which they have their own comfort zone. For four months, Jinyoung has hesitated and seen no reason to step out of his boundaries. And although he has been struck by the temptation at times to get to know Jaebum better, he never acted on it. He knew that once they breached that line they had both drawn, things between them would change, imperceptibly but irreversibly.

And it’s the cowardly part of him who starts now: “I don’t know…”

There’s a soft but swift intake of breath behind him at his words, and bewildered, Jinyoung abandons the rest of his sentence and swivels around to look at the now-empty doorway of the pantry. However, the retreating footfalls he can hear trailing off and the stricken look on Mark’s face when he turns back to him makes his heart sink.

“I’m sorry, Jinyoung — I didn’t know you would say that. I saw Jaebum approaching and I knew he heard the last bit of our conversation, but I thought that you were going to agree and it would be okay for him to overhear us; in fact it would be a good chance for me to broach the topic for him to join us.” Mark is stammering with apology.

“Forget it; it’s not your fault,” Jinyoung mumbles soothingly to ease his guilt. He’s speaking on autopilot, still feeling a little dazed from Jaebum’s accidental eavesdropping and his hurt reaction, how things had escalated so fast after his misunderstanding of Jinyoung’s admittedly misleading words. He’s groaning and hitting his head repeatedly inside.

He knows he should do something — go back to their tables and tap on Jaebum’s shoulder, apologise and explain what he really meant, why he said what he said, and invite Jaebum out today. But for some inexplicable reason he’s rooted to the ground.

Jinyoung hates himself as he slinks back to his desk after lunch alone with Mark. It’s an hour later but he still can’t get out of his mind the glimpse of Jaebum’s face he caught before he turned on his heel — injured, taken by surprise, uncomprehending.

 

It’s two weeks later at the company’s annual dinner and Jinyoung still can’t make heads or tails of Jaebum’s befuddling reaction. Sure, Jinyoung can completely understand how Jaebum would feel wounded by Jinyoung’s ambivalence, especially after he had done him a favour — but however he looks at it, Jinyoung can’t help feeling like it was a reaction out of proportion with the magnitude of the moment, especially with Jaebum’s perpetual wooden expressionlessness.

Still, he doesn’t know why he feels so bothered about the seconds-long incident, even after weeks. Perhaps it’s because of how ashamed he feels of his lack of courage to approach Jaebum once and for all to clarify the misunderstanding. He also feels guilty for implicating Mark and making him feel more awkward around Jaebum than he already was.

At such a time, Jinyoung can’t help wishing that his secret admirer would reach out to him like his telepathic soulmate who senses his distress and lighten the mood of his workspace, but no such thing happens. It seems that all possibility of pleasant surprises has deserted him.

For obvious reasons, then, his secret admirer is the last thing on his mind right now. But after imbibing himself with a couple of beers with his colleagues, Jinyoung can’t help his daydreams returning to cloud his mind. Will he have to wait until Valentine’s day next year to find out if his secret admirer has more than platonic feelings for him? That can’t be — it’s way too long and painful a wait!

He isn’t sure which one of them is being a worse influence on each other but he’s not alone in the number of glasses he downs — beside him, Mark is drinking like a fountain too.

“Slow down, hyung,” Jinyoung giggles loosely, slurring his words. “Are you that thirsty?”

“Yup!” Mark replies in a peppy, loud voice Jinyoung has never heard, sounding intoxicated too. “But this is far from enough to quench my thirst!”

The way he phrases his answer sounds confusingly like he isn’t only talking about alcohol and Jinyoung wonders if he misunderstood his question. But his mind is too addled to pursue it further.

They continue drinking together moodily, exchanging sloppy toasts until Jackson suddenly pops up between them, apparently having managed to tear himself away from the schmoozing he’s busy doing, even at a small gathering like this.

“You’re drinking too much,” Jinyoung thinks he hears Jackson whisper in a low tone in Mark’s ear beneath the music.

Mark retorts snappily at a way louder volume, “Don’t tell me what to do, you brat!”

Jinyoung is still trying to pull his jaw up from Mark insolently addressing their superior as a brat when Jackson sighs, looking pensive for the first time since Jinyoung met him as he turns to Jinyoung.

“Can you help me make sure he gets home safely? I’m kind of tied up over here, or I’d do it myself —“ Jackson looks sheepish, run-down and sort of strung up, like he’s low-key frustrated but trying not to show it. Jinyoung’s never seen his boss as terse as this. Jackson fishes his car key out of his pocket and dangles it in front of Jinyoung.

“Sure, of course.” Jinyoung immediately bobs his head on autopilot, shaking it to clear his mind a little. He takes Jackson’s key hesitantly, marvelling that he trusts Jinyoung to drive his fancy ride. “Don’t worry.”

“Thanks,” Jackson says tightly, departing with a final exasperated shake of the head at Mark.

“Don’t you dare give me that disappointed look, you stuck-up brat!” Mark exclaims again, around the rim of his bottle. He’s not even bothering to pour the beer into his glass now. Jinyoung hurriedly shushes him with a hand over his mouth.

 

Mark shakes his fingers off with a muffled, offended noise and continues nursing his bottle. Jinyoung is gingerly wiping his fingers, wet from Mark’s lips, on his shirt when Jaebum appears. Jinyoung jumps; what is with these guys and materialising so silently? He remembers belatedly that they’re supposed to still be awkward around one another — all three of them — before giving up. He’s too tired for this right now. He just hopes Jaebum didn’t witness him clamping his hand over Mark’s mouth because that would just make the present misunderstanding more complicated.

But Jaebum doesn’t show any sign that he saw it, just taking Jinyoung’s breath away by speaking directly to him for the first time since he strode away from the pantry doorway. His voice is the same as usual, placid, unruffled, steady in a way that Jinyoung finds inexplicably grounding today.

“Are you about to head home?”

Jinyoung blinks a few times at the unexpected words before finding his tongue.

“Um… yeah, soon, I guess. Why?”

Jaebum’s eyes move from him to Mark and back, and Jinyoung flushes at how sloppy drunk they must look in his eyes. “Can I give you a lift in my car?”

“Er…” Jinyoung can’t help wondering again how much he overheard. He can probably see that Jinyoung is too drunk to take the wheel and doesn’t want to attend two colleagues’ funerals in one week the next day. Not that Jinyoung is so irresponsible to endanger Mark’s life — he had been planning to look for Jackson’s chauffeur and entrust both of them to him, and if he couldn’t find him take a cab.

Now, he doesn’t know how to rebuff Jaebum, for what feels like a second time since the pantry incident. Guilt flooding him again, he can only nod lamely despite the vast potential for awkwardness. Jaebum’s default poker face relaxes into a semblance of a smile, and he feels jelly-like with relief.

Jinyoung meekly hands Jackson’s key over to Jaebum, but is surprised by Jaebum gently closing his fingers back over it. “We can take my car.”

Jinyoung didn’t know Jaebum has his own car, or that he drives to work every day. It makes sense that he doesn’t want to take the risk of driving Jackson’s expensive imported car, if he has his own. He probably wants to head home too after dropping them off.

“Okay, sure, just let me pass this back to Mr Wang —“ But before Jinyoung can stagger off in search of Jackson, Jaebum loosens the key from his fingers and stops a passing colleague who is a pretty trustworthy sort, entreating him to help them deliver the key back to Jackson.

Jinyoung goggles at Jaebum’s smooth disposal of the situation, as if they are at work and Jinyoung is a client of his, and Jaebum gives him a half-smile. “Let’s go then.”

Jinyoung manages to make Mark leave the empty beer bottle on the table and drag him to Jaebum’s car, which is a sturdy-looking grey Toyota, not as flashy or new as Jackson’s but impressively well-maintained. He falls into the backseat with Mark, feeling temporarily embarrassed at making Jaebum look like a chauffeur, but Jaebum doesn’t seem to mind as he cranks up the air-conditioner and expertly coaxes the car alive.

Jaebum drives like he looks and speaks, smooth, calm and steady, keeping within the speed limit. Jinyoung feels an almost leisurely sense of peace settle absurdly over him as he lets go of his tension in the comfy backseat. The back view of the set of Jaebum’s broad shoulders beneath the fabric of his work shirt is hypnotising.

Jaebum asks for Mark’s address first without turning around and doesn’t bat an eyelash when Jinyoung answers for him. They settle into a slightly stilted silence, until Mark breaks it without warning.

“Why is Jackson so sweet and hot? Jinyoungie, don’t you think he’s perfect? Don’t you?” Mark whines, tugging on Jinyoung’s sleeve.

Jinyoung’s eyes meet Jaebum’s in the rearview mirror and he immediately averts his gaze. “Uh, yeah, I guess.” He hopes Jaebum can’t see him blushing; doesn’t even know why he is but it’s so awkward for them to be witnessing Mark’s drunk babbling together.

“He said I’m perfect too,” Mark mumbles, making Jinyoung nearly swallow his tongue and Jaebum brake a little too abruptly at the red light they’ve reached. “But I told him it’s impossible between us. He’s way out of my league. Don’t you think he’s like a prince and I’m like a pauper?”

Jaebum clears his throat and slowly shifts the gears into motion again. Jinyoung’s eyes land on his hand curled over the brake and he quickly snaps them away, face burning hotter. He tries to concentrate on Mark but the air in the car is oppressively thick with Jaebum pretending that he can’t hear their grossly embarrassing conversation.

“I… don’t think so at all. I think you shouldn’t let unimportant things like status and rank come between both of you, if you really click,” he finally manages to compose a hesitant reply, making his voice firm.

“Hmmm,” Mark intones, eyes glassy and unfocused. Jinyoung doesn’t know if he heard what he said or not, or will remember it when sober. But Jaebum definitely did.

For the colleague he was most awkward with just thirty minutes ago, Jaebum has heard far too much of Jinyoung’s private conversation for him to feel comfortable. But it’s too late for him to unhear it.

 

Jinyoung doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or apprehensive when Jaebum arrives at Mark’s apartment building, because after he escorts Mark to his door like a mother hen — not daring to flout Jackson’s orders — and returns back to Jaebum’s car waiting patiently in front of the lobby, taillights blinking, he’s all alone with Jaebum in a confined space for at least another ten minutes until they reach his house.

He should have agreed to that lunch Mark suggested — at least it would have been better than jumping right to this: breathing each other’s air amid a heavy silence. Jinyoung gets into the passenger seat this time because he doesn’t want to make Jaebum feel bad again.

They drive for five minutes without talking before Jaebum’s deep voice makes him start, the bass sounding a fret lower echoing in the car.

“I wanted to apologise for interrupting the previous time, but after what just happened… Are you okay?”

“What? Apologise? Why? Why would I not be okay?” Jinyoung is stammering nervously, but Jaebum’s line and his concerned tone was wholly unthinkable.

Jaebum glances over at him, then back to the road. “For interrupting the two of you the other day, in the pantry,” he repeats patiently.

“What? No!” Jinyoung squawks again, sounding defensive but his mind is reeling in bewilderment. “Wait, you think — you think I like Mark?” He impresses himself by managing to decipher the unreadable Jaebum’s train of thoughts for the first time.

Jaebum looks at him for a few more seconds this time, cocking his head a little to study Jinyoung.

“Don’t you?” he asks, sounding more rhetorical than not. He doesn’t wait for Jinyoung to answer before adding, “You must be disappointed.”

“Wait, wait — halt! Stop right there!”

Jaebum misinterprets his words as a plea to stop the car and pulls over onto the road shoulder, turning to face Jinyoung, unmistakable concern etched on his face this time.

“What’s wrong? Do you need to throw up?”

“No!” Jinyoung flushes at his own overreaction and the mortification at the thought of throwing up in front of Jaebum. “I didn’t mean for you to stop; you can go on driving. I just meant — you’re mistaken. I don’t like Mark. Not in that way. We’re just friends. I mean, I can understand why you misunderstood, though… and about that other thing. You’re also mistaken.”

Jaebum is blinking at him, eyes gleaming beneath the streetlamp light. He looks overwhelmed by Jinyoung’s outburst and a little confused, understandably. Jinyoung feels slightly sheepish, like he protested too much, but he’s just cringing inwardly that Jaebum thought he had a crush on Mark all this while, and knows that now is the best time to clear up the previous awkward encounter once and for all.

“In the pantry the other day… you left before you heard the rest of my sentence. I was actually about to say, “I don’t know… I’ve been wanting to ask him out for lunch for months but I was always too shy to. I’m glad you suggested it; I want to get to know him better.””

Jaebum is stock-still in his seat, his hands still clasped around the steering wheel. He hasn’t started the car back into motion again, his eyes riveted on Jinyoung. Jinyoung suddenly, unaccountably feels like one of the documents Jaebum is always staring so intently at as his fingers fly over the computer keys, his eyes scanning the screen and not missing a single detail. Jaebum is gazing at him that searchingly.

“Oh. I see,” he finally says heavily, hoarse voice breaking up the hush in the car. Jinyoung doesn’t know what to think or say; or even if Jaebum believes him as Jaebum finally eases the car back onto the road and continues travelling back to Jinyoung’s house with his eyes careful on the dark road in front of them.

But when they arrive at Jinyoung’s house, Jaebum surprises him again by turning to meet his eyes and say seriously, “I’m sorry. I misunderstood and left too early. It must have troubled both of you.” Jinyoung’s breath catches at how genuinely penitent he looks, even inclining his head a little in a formal bow. His mind is swimming slightly, not just from the alcohol but also the sides of Jaebum he’s discovered today — how astonishingly gallant and thoughtful he had been all night from the time he offered to take Jinyoung and Mark home till now when he’s graciously apologising for how Jinyoung thoughtlessly hurt him.

“No, I’m sorry!” he blurts out. “I spoke without thinking and hurt your feelings, when you’ve been nothing but kind to me. And then I didn’t have the guts to apologise, and let you beat me to it. I truly meant everything I said about wanting to get to know you better for a long time, so I hope you believe me —“

“I do,” Jaebum interrupts gently. “I believe you.” And the remaining words die on Jinyoung’s tongue not because of this but because Jaebum is smiling at him again, for the second time, a real, warm smile. His eyes almost disappear when he smiles. It’s an oddly attractive effect.

“Well, then, I guess I’d better get going —“ Jinyoung suddenly feels like he has two left feet as he stumbles out of Jaebum’s car, the air outside feeling more sultry than it had when they got in. He feels like a train wreck as he trips into his apartment lobby without looking back, heaving a sigh of relief at finally escaping the inexplicable opaque tension between them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the passionate response this fic received ;A; I extended it to 3 chapters because I didnt want the second chapter to be as long as the first, its a pain to proofread too long a chapter haha.
> 
> also, if you haven't guessed by now, the title is inspired by red velvet's rookie! :) its not really related to the fic but if you haven't heard the song, I recommend you to take a listen bc its really cute

The next day is the first morning Mark is ever late for work.

Jackson stops by Jinyoung’s desk, looking worried. Jinyoung feels slightly awkward in front of him after Mark's revelation last night, but tries not to show it professionally.

“Did Mark text or call you?” Jackson asks him, looking embarrassed.

“No, sir.”

Jackson frowns and returns to his office, looking distracted as he closes the door. Jinyoung wonders why he doesn’t just call Mark himself if he’s so concerned, knowing as he does that they communicate via phone on a daily basis.

He’s about to take his phone out and text Mark to ask if he’s okay, since from Jackson’s question he surmises that he hasn’t taken the day off. Just then, Mark walks into the office, looking slightly more disheveled than usual, like he has a hangover.

Jinyoung beckons him and he approaches, smiling weakly. “Hi.”

“Why are you late? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, thanks.” Mark’s smile brightens a watt. “I just overslept.”

“Oh. Mr Wang was looking for you.”

Mark looks over at the closed door of Jackson’s office, then back at Jinyoung. “Okay,” he says, but doesn’t walk towards it. “I’ll get to work now. Do you need anything?”

“Get me a coffee,” Jinyoung tells him, resisting fussing over his favourite hyung like a mother hen. “And get yourself one too when you’re at it.”

Mark gives him a grateful nod and sets off.

 

He notices that Mark’s usual happy go lucky cheer seems dimmer that morning, although he works hard as usual. At lunch, Jackson emerges from his office for the first time since he went in after speaking to Jinyoung. A look of such relief crosses his face when he sees Mark that Jinyoung gets the strangest feeling Jackson was hiding in his office for so many hours because he was afraid to come out and see that Mark hadn’t reported to work yet. As if he fears Mark leaving the company, leaving his side.

He immediately heads towards Mark, who is standing by Jinyoung’s desk and waiting for him to be ready. Jinyoung looks awkwardly between the two of them, but Mark doesn’t seem to notice Jackson’s approaching footsteps until he stops before them and clears his throat.

“Mark… can I take you out?”

It’s the first time Jinyoung has heard his usually authoritative and confident superior sound uncertain.

Mark acts surprised, like he only just noticed Jackson. “Oh, sorry, Mr Wang. I already have a lunch date with someone else.” He bows with exaggerated deference.

Jackson flushes, looking like he wants to say something else but Jaebum jumps in unexpectedly from where he’s seated. “Yeah, he’s going for lunch with us.”

Jackson turns to look at him, an animosity in his eyes Jinyoung has never seen directed at himself although he’s gone with Mark for lunch far more often.

To dissipate the awkward tension, he stammers nervously, “But you could join us if you want, Mr Wang?”

Jackson opens his mouth to speak again but Mark forestalls him, muttering, “I’d rather not.”

Jackson looks like he’s been slapped. He tears his eyes away from Mark and addresses Jinyoung.

“Thank you, Jinyoung. But I have some work to clear up. You all go ahead. Put the meal on my tab.”

“Rich braggart,” Mark murmurs again snidely under his breath. Jinyoung stares at him, shocked by his rudeness.

Jackson’s face has paled a little, his jaw set. He doesn’t look at Mark again, turning to walk back to his office. Watching his heavy footsteps and the slump of his shoulders, Jinyoung feels sorry for him. But Mark has an excessively bright smile on his face when he starts to say something, overriding him. “Let’s go, Jaebum-ssi!” Jinyoung is surprised as he literally loops both his arms into the crook of their elbows and drags them out of the office building in an awkward chainlink.

 

Surprising him with his bravery yet again, Jaebum had approached both of them in the pantry earlier when they were together for a few seconds, and graciously invited them to have lunch with him with a hopeful smile. He had even said he would treat them. Recognising that he intended this as an olive branch to dissolve the tension between three of them, Jinyoung held his breath, nodded eagerly and beamed in relief when Mark followed suit with his first enormous grin of the day.

But Mark’s mood seems rocky today, despite his earlier pretence at brightness. He sinks into a brooding silence by the time they arrive at the restaurant Jaebum brings them to, and to fill the quiet and take the attention off his pensive picking at his food Jinyoung ends up overcompensating and talking too much. It feels almost like he’s alone with Jaebum with Mark’s distracted muteness, and because of that as well Jaebum ends up looking at him most of the time. Jinyoung finds himself feeling inordinately self-conscious, despite how much closer they’ve drawn in one night. He covers his mouth bashfully when he laughs and discreetly checks if there’s any food stuck between his teeth.

Jaebum is a pleasure to converse with, but exceedingly polite. However, his exquisite courtesy doesn’t feel condescending or distant at all, but more respectful and almost reverent, in a strange way. Jinyoung feels _heard_ , talking to him.

He notices that Jaebum keeps pushing up his glasses shyly too as he listens to Jinyoung, breaking their eye contact every few seconds before his gaze moves back up to catch Jinyoung's again. It’s an oddly charming habit Jinyoung never knew he had. He trusts that Jaebum knows why Mark is being less chatty than usual, since he too witnessed the scene last night. It’s the first time he’s thankful for the embarrassing car ride.

 

When Jinyoung gets back, he feels satiated and well-fed, like he always does after a scintillating conversation over a good meal with someone witty. Unfortunately, his contented mood is rudely jolted about thirty minutes after he returns to work when Jackson summons him into his office and gives him a curt reprimand over a report he sent in earlier that morning. It’s his mistake, because there are indeed a few errors and accidental typos. But he’s surprised because Jackson is normally more lenient than this over careless mistakes and merely emails them without reproach to make the necessary corrections.

He tries not to let the dour look show on his face when he exits Jackson’s office, but his acting must not be very good because when he comes back from the restroom after splashing some water on his face, he gasps to see a Ferrero Rocher chocolate ball sitting in the centre of his desk unobtrusively. There’s a little pink post-it tag on it which reads _Eat me_ with a smiley face. Beside it is a note which Jinyoung snatches up with trembling hands. There’s a tiny rose folded out of the gold foil from the chocolate with a brief note, the first note he’s ever received from his secret admirer.

It reads:

_Do you know how difficult it was to learn how to fold this from the Youtube tutorial? Cheer up!_

 

Jinyoung covers his hand with his mouth, smile aching on his face. Jackson is completely forgotten as he sinks down onto his chair, knees buckling. He’s not surprised that his secret admirer has a sense of humour, but still impressed that they managed to make him almost laugh out loud in the office. Sneaking a glance at Jackson’s closed office door, he unwraps the chocolate immediately and puts it into his mouth, holding it on his tongue to savour the sweetness and let it melt slowly. He turns the pretty little rose around in careful fingers, then places it gently on the ledge above his table, in the middle. The rejuvenation it gives him is strong and immediate.

He slips the post-it tag into his pocket to bring home and keep in his collection of precious items in his bedside drawer. Although this is the first time his secret admirer has left not only gifts but a message for him, he was shrewd enough to type it out on half a piece of A4 paper instead of hand-writing it. He did write the post-it, but the more Jinyoung squints at the two words the more it seems despairingly like it could have been written by anybody. It’s not much of a clue since he doesn’t recognise most of his colleagues’ handwriting.

He must have been right that his secret admirer is watching him closely, to be able to tell that Jinyoung needed a pick-me-up and distraction so urgently or he would be in low spirits for the rest of the day. He adds two more qualities to the list in his mind he has been unconsciously compiling: _observant, sensitive_. His secret admirer seems to be so perfect sometimes Jinyoung wonders if he dreamt them up. How did they manage to type and print up the note so quickly, while Jinyoung was in the restroom? They must have known that there was the risk Jinyoung could come back at any moment, but boldly took it anyway. And they must have subtly slipped the note and chocolate onto his desk as they walked past, so as to be unnoticed by the others. He’s touched that the person would go to such lengths to cheer him up. Now, he smiles again, hoping in vain that the person who put this silly grin on his face is watching at this very moment and knows how happy they made him.

 

A few days later, he comes down with a cold, but doesn’t deem it severe enough to take the day off. However, after he arrives groggily at work, the air-conditioner aggravates his chills and makes him unable to resist muffled sniffles. He keeps swabbing his running nose with a tissue until he probably looks like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. But he tries to put in the same amount of effort he regularly does for his work, as Jackson has been edgy and impatient the past few days and liable to snap at anyone who turns in work that is any less than stellar.

He goes to the deli in the lobby of their company building and spends the lunch hour sitting there alone in a daze. Mark has been disappearing off somewhere by himself every afternoon, as if afraid Jackson will waylay him again although Jackson hasn’t emerged from his office as far as Jinyoung knows. Mark doesn’t ask Jinyoung out as if he knows he’s not very good company when unhappy. And after that day, Jaebum hasn’t invited either of them to have lunch together again. Though he does give Jinyoung a polite nod and friendly smile whenever they cross paths in the office. And on a few days, when they’re the only ones who stay back in the office overtime to finish up a piece of work, Jaebum waits for him to leave and gives him a lift home, like the night he dropped Mark and Jinyoung off when they were intoxicated. They hardly speak in the car, Jaebum concentrating on driving and Jinyoung not knowing what kind of topics to break the ice with, but the silence they sit in is noticeably more comfortable than before and he gets used to the clean leather smell of Jaebum’s car, even dozing off once.

Jinyoung guesses that now the misunderstanding is cleared up, Jaebum feels more relaxed around both of them too. He feels triumphant at having managed to get a layer closer to Jaebum, because he knows that Jaebum mostly keeps to himself in the office and only has a professional relationship with most of the rest of their colleagues.

After swallowing a sandwich slowly because of his poor appetite, he takes the lift back up to their floor feeling slightly light-headed. He has some aspirin in his desk drawer and decides to take a couple later.

He stops short, wondering if it’s a fever hallucination when he sees a violet sweater folded neatly and placed on his chair. Sweating from more than just the flu, he quickens his paces and looks around before picking up the wool sweater in hushed awe. It feels unbelievably soft and silken. He sits down in the privacy of the walls of his cubicle and brings it up to his nose tentatively. He inhales and feels a thrill run up his spine at the fragrance, which could belong to either a man or a woman, like the sweater which he hastily checks the size of by pulling it down over his shoulders and body. It fits him almost perfectly and could be a man’s, or an oversized woman’s outfit. It’s frustratingly unrevealing, like all the other gifts.

He spends the rest of the day in a dreamy daze, and not because of the aspirins which he had forgotten to even eat. The sweater is incredibly comfortable against his skin, and he wishes he could keep it forever and go to sleep in it every night. It also smells absurdly _lovely_. He revels in the cloud of fragrance and softness, feeling enveloped and ridiculously embraced. It’s probably the flu talking and making him vulnerable.

 

When he’s preparing to leave the office, he sneezes another time. Unexpectedly, the pretty girl who sits next to him, called Jisoo, pops her head around the wall between their cubicles and looks concerned.

“Bless you,” she murmurs, smiling. “I couldn’t help noticing you’ve been under the weather all day. Are you alright, Jinyoung-ssi?”

“Um… yeah,” he stammers, floored by her kindness. He feels himself blushing and clears his throat, tugging unconsciously at the hem of the sweater. He realises he’s studying her face, checking if she’s looking particularly at what he’s wearing — could it be possible that she’s his secret admirer? A beautiful woman like her? His chest feels tight, with something he can’t differentiate between hope and excitement and disappointment.

But he can’t discern any special emotion in her expression as she simply smiles pleasantly in response. “That’s good. Take the day off tomorrow if you don’t feel better, I can help you cover your work.”

He nods, throat dry. “Thank you, Jisoo-ssi.”

“Don’t mention it.”

 

He doesn’t expect to hear from his secret admirer again in record time — the next morning, when he arrives at work, almost all better, he sees the sweater which he had left folded up on his desk before leaving work the previous day still in the same position, but with another small white note on top, typed again.

 _Keep it. Get well soon_.

There’s no smiley face this time but Jinyoung stupidly gets the feeling his secret admirer was smiling while thinking of him and responding to him. He grins idiotically again, seeing the words he had secretly wished to hear printed out on another note he can stow away and cherish. He delightedly puts on the sweater again, only feeling momentarily sorry for usurping a piece of obviously good quality clothing from his generous benefactor.

At lunch, he calls Mark over to his desk, and hoping to lift his spirits up, magnanimously offers to loan him his beloved English edition of _Catcher in the Rye_. He’s just finished reading it, finally, and had the bright idea that Mark might enjoy it too since he understands English, and it could help take his mind off the Jackson thing at this time. Jaebum walks by too and offers Mark a cup of coffee and a smile, making them both dumbstruck for a few seconds. It’s truly heartwarming to see how Mark and Jaebum’s friendship has progressed since the misunderstanding, but Jinyoung feels just a teeny bit jealous that Jaebum didn’t help refill his cup too. He knows, though, that Jaebum is reaching out because he has noticed that Mark has been more subdued the last few days and is concerned as a friend, like himself. Jaebum’s thoughtfulness shouldn’t surprise him by now, with all Jinyoung has discovered about him — and it doesn’t, but his heart still smiles at Jaebum’s clumsily caring gesture.

Mark immediately drinks the coffee with the familiar grin he only wears with Jinyoung and Jaebum these days. “Thanks, Jaebum-ah,” he says, the affectionately informal name slipping out accidentally, but Jaebum doesn’t seem to mind it, as they had exchanged ages during that lunch and found out that Mark is slightly older than him. Jinyoung now feels stupidly jealous of Mark — he himself has never called Jaebum by his name, hasn’t even addressed him as Jaebum-ssi even once. He can’t remember Jaebum ever calling his name either. It’s weird that in all the time they’ve known each other it hasn’t happened but it just feels awkward to for some reason, too intimate.

“What are you guys talking about?” Jaebum asks pleasantly, looking between them.

“Ah,” Mark beams. “Jinyoung was just lending me this book to read. He says it’s amazing.” He shows Jaebum Jinyoung’s copy of the book, in mint condition.

Jaebum’s eyes widen. “Oh… I see.”

“It _is_ amazing! It’s one of my favourite books.” For some reason, in the slightly stilted silence that has fallen between the three of them, he starts rambling about the plot of the book and how much he loves it. He abruptly stops after a few sentences, realising himself and blushing when he notices Jaebum has fallen silent.

“Sorry for running on,” he mumbles, feeling stupid in front of both their lifted eyebrows. He remembers he’s younger than both of them, Jaebum too, and blushes more. “I just love reading and got overly excited.”

Jaebum’s face softens in his small smile, like Jinyoung is a cute _dongsaeng_. “It’s okay,” Mark reassures him, ruffling his hair. “I can’t wait to read it too.”

Jinyoung doesn’t ask if Jaebum has read it as well since he doesn’t mention it. It would be logical for him to say so if he had read it, so Jinyoung assumes he hasn’t read either the Korean or English version. He doesn’t want to look like he’s bragging about his ability to read English books, or his intellect. Although he automatically assumes everyone in this office is well-studied and well-read, as the qualifications required for the job are pretty high, he still doesn’t know enough about Jaebum yet to know if he likes reading novels like Jinyoung.

 

So he’s stupefied when he gets back from lunch to see a new note on his desk — the second in a day. It reads, in the font he’s now familiar with, in English:

_I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It’s nice._

He nearly misses a heartbeat when it dawns on him that the familiar-sounding and poetic sentence is a direct quote from _Catcher_. He can’t believe how ingenious it is, how excitingly bold his secret admirer is starting to be, literally admitting unabashedly that he or she heard Jinyoung’s conversation with Jaebum and Mark and wanting to make him feel better about his little embarrassment over gushing and geeking out. It’s such a sweet and considerate and surprising gesture that Jinyoung’s heart pounds.

He can’t help feeling that his secret admirer wants to reassure him that he isn’t the only book nerd in this office, that there is someone who is as voracious a reader as him. Of course — he must have read the book he gave Jinyoung too. Jinyoung wonders why he’s surprised that the person didn’t just give it to him because he had been reading the Korean translation, but because they personally enjoyed the book too, enough to have quotes from it memorised. He wonders how his secret admirer sounds when speaking English, whether they’re confident and smooth or slightly halting like Jinyoung.

 

He almost feels a sensation of whiplash the next day when he arrives at work, because the note that he had tacked up to his desk with a simple _Thank you_ and a cute smiley has received a surreal-looking reply. He wasn’t expecting to receive any response, and definitely not so fast. Overnight, his secret admirer has multiplied their previous rate of activity to a speed which makes him breathless, giddy. Is this a sign that the day he can meet them will be soon?

The note that he reads and rereads, trying to decipher its enigmatic meaning, reads:

_That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can._

 

It’s another direct quote from _Catcher_ , without any alterations or additions. He even Googles it to confirm. It’s teasingly incomprehensible, though somehow feeling flattering — is the person calling him a girl? Or hinting that they’re female? Are they saying... that they're in love with Jinyoung? For some reason, he gets the increasing conviction that this person is a man. If this quote is talking about him, he should probably feel mildly miffed to be referred to as a girl, even though it’s in the context of the book.

But he doesn’t, not in the least.

He’s too busy trying to squelch his glee that they’re conversing in _Catcher_ quotes. He _loves_ how pretentious it is. This is so radical and thrilling, he wants to flip through the book again and find all his favourite quotes, pick the most appropriate one to wittily reply the person’s banter. He thinks he detects a subtly flirtatious and teasing tone for the first time, but that may just be his wishful thinking.

Unfortunately, his book is currently with Mark and work has started so he can’t use the internet to search for quotes. He intends to leave the office immediately when lunchtime arrives, in case his secret admirer leaves before him and doesn’t get the chance to see the note he leaves in reply. He hopes to receive an answer to his note by today because he can’t wait until the next day — he won’t be able to sleep a wink that night.

 

He can’t believe that he, Park Jinyoung, is brazenly chatting up his secret admirer. It sounds like the plot of a bad movie, like a mistake waiting to be made but he’s ready to throw caution to the winds if it means a chance of finally finding out their identity. Even in the few relationships he’s had, he was almost never the first one to take the initiative. The other party usually expressed their interest in him first before he made any moves. But now, despite this person never having explicitly declared any romantic interest, Jinyoung plunges ahead with his heart on his sleeve.

In the span of a few months, amused inquisitiveness on his part has turned into a desire, a craving to talk to this unknown person more, get to know them better. Without him realising, they have crept into his heart and mind, and now he can’t stop thinking of them. The scholarly aura he feels emanating from them is just so… sexy. Is it possible to have a crush on a person one has never met?

Because right now, this feels all too terrifyingly possible.

He wants to sound out the person, find out if they are as calm as they sound while he’s losing his bearings every time he hears from them, or if their feelings are as shaken up as his.

He handwrites his latest response carefully, printing each word out neatly as if he’s in an examination, he’s filled with so much trepidation.

_I don’t know your number, right?_  
_Please, if you don’t want to reveal yourself yet, just text me anonymously._  
_My number is below._  
_I really hope you’ll agree to talk to me by text. It would make me so happy._  
_I’ll be waiting eagerly to hear from you._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended this chapter again when I hit the 4-5k mark and extended it to 4 chapters I'm sorry for the second extension but it will definitely be the last, and the whole fic probably won't end up more than 20k words long :) this is one of the most fun and rewarding jjp fics I've ever written and it's entirely because of the readers who love this verse, so thank you.

_Hi… it's me_.

omg

HI

thank you!!! ㅠㅠ

 _I don’t want to lie to you. I’m actually… a man. If you don’t want to hear from me anymore, I understand and I won’t bother you again_.

NO!

idiot

i already knew. you’re so obvious.

_How did you know? Do you know… who I am?_

no, duh. would i still be texting you if i did? you seem so smart, but you’re not the sharpest crayon in the box when it comes to emotional intelligence, are you?

 _No_.

 

why did you send me all those presents and notes?

 _I… wanted you to think about me. I didn’t dare to approach you personally, but I selfishly wanted you to think about me_.

how long… have you liked me?

 _Since the first day of work. We were having orientation, and you never noticed me. I never believed in love at first sight until then_.

it’s been more than six months. why didn’t you tell me?

 _You just seemed so unattainable. I thought I could never breach the distance between us. And… I thought you were straight_.

what!!! why would you think that?

_I’ve seen you flirting with girls. You’re straight, right?_

umm… i’ve never dated guys before. but that doesn’t mean i can’t! and that’s nonsense, i wasn’t flirting!

have you? dated guys before?

 _No_.

 

It’s been days since he started texting with his secret admirer and Jinyoung still can’t believe it when he wakes up every morning. When he remembers his joyful secret and checks his phone with bated breath, he has the most enormous grin aching on his face even if the other man hasn’t sent him a new text. If he sees nothing, sometimes he even gets a little jealous. Is his secret admirer busy with someone else? Is he looking and smiling at someone else and telling them the same pretty, intoxicating words he told Jinyoung?

So he’ll take the initiative again, something he’s quickly becoming used to doing. He realised that despite how proactive the other party seems, they’re in fact rather passive and if Jinyoung doesn’t take matters into his own hands, their relationship would never develop and grow closer. So he pushes for more tirelessly, conquering the distance between them by leaps and bounds, trying to enter his secret admirer’s world. On mornings he doesn’t hear from his mystery man, he will send him a casual and cutesy good morning text, a little flirtatious just because he can’t resist teasing the stoic guy, asking him if he’s up and leaving for work already. The man’s mostly monosyllabic replies tickle him more, drive him even more crazy.

He’s grown to hold some kind of fuzzy image of his secret admirer in his mind — someone exceptionally disciplined, patient and demanding of himself. No one else would have been able to keep such a secret for so long, even from someone as dense as him. He wants to crack the mysterious person’s inscrutable shell, shine a light on him and find out everything he has been hiding. But he also doesn’t want to make the other party, who he has come to feel a fond affection for, uncomfortable by pressuring him to reveal himself before he’s completely prepared. He’s determined not to take advantage of the trust they touchingly demonstrated in him when they bravely and agreeably took another step forward and texted him.

Now that he’s ruled out another half of the remaining options from the population of their office, he finds himself unable to help scrutinising all the guys who he knows are single more, trying to read if their interactions with him are friendly or hold something more. It’s infuriatingly more difficult than he imagined. To distract himself from the place where he thinks of this person most — the office, he accepts lunch invitations with his colleagues often, and asks Mark and Jaebum out on other days. Mark is still giving Jackson the frosty treatment, but as the latter is keeping out of his way too the awkward encounters are thankfully lessened. He can’t help catching a glimpse of Jackson looking irked when he happens to see Jaebum and Mark casually touching each other though, Jaebum clapping Mark on the back, which has become more common now that they have grown closer as a trio with Jinyoung. He tries not to take it too personally that Jaebum continues to keep a respectful distance with him, knowing firsthand how easily Mark can be adopted as a friend.

But no matter how sorry he feels for both of them, he can’t muster complete sympathy, because he still strongly feels that they’re caught in a much more fortunate stalemate than he and his secret admirer are. At least they know each other’s identity and the status of their feelings, which is much more than Jinyoung can say for himself. He has been telling himself to be satisfied with the progress he’s already made, but he can’t help wanting more, becoming greedy. This is the hunger, the appetite his secret admirer has made him discover inside himself.

 

_Merry Christmas, Jinyoung._

He gasps when he wakes up on Christmas morning to this simple, beautiful gift. It’s the first time his secret admirer has called his name, even if it’s just electronically. He’s never wished more than right now that he knows his name too, if only just to greet him back and surprise him for once. He feels so pampered, especially today, always being the one receiving and taking and never giving, never being able to put a smile on his benefactor’s face.

He’s so deep in these thoughts that he jumps when even before he replies the message, his phone buzzes with another one.

_I haven’t given you any gifts lately, but… do you want or need anything?_

You.

Jinyoung’s fingers type out the naughty word even before he can control them.

The breath he was holding slips out in a gush when he receives a reply a few seconds later, but he’s immediately disappointed because the person is ignoring what he said.

_Are you cold? Maybe I’ll give you another sweater. You looked good in mine the last time._

It’s the first time he’s brought up the day Jinyoung was sick, which seems so long ago now. Despite his frustration at the man’s evasiveness, Jinyoung’s heart pounds at his casual compliment.

 _pervert_ , he sends back sassily. He doesn’t realise how widely he’s grinning until his cheeks ache.

His secret admirer doesn’t reply, making him want to throw his phone across the room. To provoke him too, in a frenzy of boldness and frustration, he strips off the clothes he’s wearing and digs the sweater out of its place of honour in his closet, still pathetically unwashed because he likes to bury his nose in it periodically to inhale the fading scent. He pulls it on, checks himself for a second in the mirror, then before he can regret, takes a selfie of the hemline with only the bare skin of his thigh and the unraveling seams riding up, but which clearly reveals he isn’t wearing anything else besides his underwear. He sends it with trembling fingers.

He actually does throw his phone across the room when there’s no reply for the rest of the day.

 

He feels happy for his best friend the day after Christmas when they return to work, to see Jackson striding with his usual air of easy confidence across the office, looking determined. Beside him, Jinyoung feels Mark falter. The natural smile he had been wearing a moment earlier upon the three of them making arrangements to go for a good belated Christmas lunch now seems a tad forced, even though he pretends not to see their superior.

“What do you want?”

Jinyoung has to admire Mark’s acting skills when Jackson puts a hand on his shoulder, his tone as cold as usual and betraying no hint of vulnerability.

But unexpectedly, it’s Jackson’s tone that disarms him, surprising all of their gazes towards Jackson’s pleading face.

There is none of the arrogance and cocky swagger in his stride in Jackson’s voice, only supplication and a gentleness Jinyoung never thought he was capable of.

“Talk to me, hyung. Tell me why you’ve been acting like this.”

“What do you mean?” Mark widens his eyes innocently, deliberately misunderstanding him. “I’m just hanging out with people of my own class. What’s the issue?”

Jackson doesn’t back down at the subtle sneer in Mark’s voice, pinning his gaze with urgent eyes. His gaze combs over Mark’s face, seeming to have forgotten the presence of Jinyoung and Jaebum.

“I just don’t get it," he answers sincerely. "We were having such a good time, and then after that company dinner… you just started acting differently.” Jackson's voice is small, sounding upset. He stops, eyes widening. “That night… did someone say something?” He grips Mark’s shoulders, eyes boring into his.

Mark’s face is stony for awhile more, before he crumbles. He continues to try to act nonchalant and tough, but his face is red as he avoids Jackson’s penetrating gaze and mumbles defensively, “No one told me anything I don’t already know, so beat it.”

Jackson blinks dazedly, before he lets go of Mark and slaps his forehead with one hand. He takes a deep breath.

“I knew it. What did she say to you? Oh god, she’s so dramatic.” He looks dismayed and contrite, panicked.

It doesn’t take a genius to surmise that he means the daughter of their company's president, who Jinyoung and most other workers in the office have heard the gossip that he was dating a few months back; so the rumours were true.

Now, Mark just looks at Jackson with hollowess in his eyes, and repeats irritatedly, “Don’t blame someone else. I already told you that no one told me anything I didn’t already know.” He looks tired, pale. “Admit it, do you think we have a future? You’ll never be able to face anyone, to let anybody know if we’re together. I don’t want a relationship of furtive hiding, sneaking around, not being able to face the world and being open and aboveboard.” The agitated words slip out of him uncontrollably, like he’s been holding them back for ages.

Jinyoung abruptly gets it, realises and understands why his best friend has been acting so inexplicably hot and cold the last few months. He must have been struggling with his feelings of inferiority and pride, as he had blurted out in Jaebum’s car to Jinyoung. So it had not just been a throwaway drunken question but his longtime preoccupation. Jinyoung feels bad for not being a more perceptive and helpful friend.

 

Jackson’s gaze hasn’t once left Mark since his answer. He looks staggered, lost for words, and yet at the same time profoundly sad and silently twice as resolute. There’s something firm and unbending and reckless in the gleam in Jackson’s eyes as he claps his hands together loudly and slowly without taking his eyes off Mark’s lowered face. The other colleagues gather in a few minutes, looking confused, until everyone on their floor is surrounding the four of them. Mark looks increasingly awkward and embarrassed at all the attention, like he wants to bolt. But Jackson’s hand closes discreetly over his elbow, keeping him still.

He finally takes his eyes off Mark to look around at everybody, meeting each of their individual eyes with gravity. He ends with Jinyoung and Jaebum.

“I have something very important to announce to all of you. I, Jackson Wang, have broken the rules of our company and fallen in love with one of my subordinates. I’m willing to take all responsibility and set an example as your superior. But I will not let go of this man. And he’s none other than our department’s very own errand boy, Mark Tuan. Does anybody have any objections?”

There’s a plunging silence after Jackson’s shocking announcement. No one says a thing for a whole minute. Mark’s eyes are fixed on the floor, as if there’s something fascinating written there, but his ears are red and the muscles of the arm Jackson is holding strained. Beside Jinyoung, he catches a glimpse of Jaebum’s usual unflappable poker face ashened by a shade.

“Well?” Jackson looks impatiently round the circle, prompting a reply from their various colleagues. They look stunned and hesitant to respond at first, but slowly a few start to shake their heads, and when Jackson cups his hand over his ear they speak up.

“No, sir,” Jinyoung hears from more voices than he can count, his heart soaring for both Mark and Jackson at the few smiles he’s starting to see, directed mostly at Mark who’s still looking abjectly uncomfortable and like he wishes the earth would open up and swallow him. In contrast, Jackson looks completely unembarrassed and unapologetic in a way Jinyoung finds incredibly attractive. He doesn’t believe that as the object of his affections, Mark can still be unmoved at this point.

To the remaining handful who haven’t replied, whether because they’re too taken aback or have reservations, Jackson just says in his _I'm-your-boss_ tone, “Get used to it.” Mark seems to have frozen into a block of ice but at least Jinyoung notices he’s no longer resisting Jackson’s grip.

“That’s all I have to say. if no one else has anything to add, you can get back to work,” Jackson dismisses the crowd as unceremoniously as he gathered them, turning his undivided attention back on Mark again. Jinyoung has the presence of mind to be tactful enough to their need for privacy to grab Jaebum’s elbow and drag him away.

 

“Ladies and gentleman,” he hears Jackson’s voice calling again within a few minutes, when they’ve only gotten a short distance away. They both turn back to the couple standing in the middle of the office, along with their other colleagues, in confusion. Jinyoung nearly does a double take at the broad grin plastered on Jackson’s face, a complete one-eighty from his serious expression a few minutes ago. Jackson can’t tear his eyes off Mark even when addressing them, as if they’re new lovebirds. He finally manages to look around at them a little dazedly, still unable to wipe the smile off his face. Beside him, Mark’s face is still lowered, but Jinyoung senses it’s more to hide his undisguisable smile than because he’s still ashamed.

“To thank you for your support and celebrate this wonderful day, you can have the rest of the morning off and come back after lunch.” Jackson’s voice is hoarse with emotion, quickly drowned out by uproarious cheers from almost all their colleagues. Jinyoung looks over at Jaebum and grins in delight, unable to believe the good news. Jaebum is smiling back at him, looking amused and as happy for their friend as Jinyoung feels.

They stare at each other for a beat, before Jinyoung bursts out laughing. Jaebum lifts his eyebrows, silent bemusement scrawled all over his face. Jinyoung forgets to cover his mouth when he laughs this time, he’s feeling so buoyant.

“Well…” he drawls teasingly. “I guess that means the lunch date is called off.” He turns to look at where Mark and Jackson were standing, unsurprised to see them now vanished and the door of Jackson’s office closed.

Everyone is dispersing around them, in high spirits to troop off for lunch together, and Jinyoung’s attention is drawn back by Jaebum’s low voice.

“I mean… we can still go together, if you want?”

Jinyoung stares at Jaebum, not sure if he heard right. They’ve always only gone for lunch as a threesome, with Mark. Is Jaebum asking him, for the first time, to go alone with him?

Jaebum looks unaccountably nervous, smiling tentatively at him as he awaits Jinyoung’s reply.

“Sure,” Jinyoung hears himself saying, and Jaebum’s eyes widen.

“Okay, just — give me a second, I have to go to the restroom first.” Jaebum pivots on his heel and walks away so quickly Jinyoung doesn’t get a chance to reply.

 

He fishes his phone out of his pocket, checking out of habit for a new text from his secret admirer after the latest office “scandal”. Seeing nothing, Jinyoung tries not to feel disappointed and looks up. He doesn’t see Jaebum walking back yet so he fires off a quick message.

wasn’t mr wang romantic just now?

He gets a response almost instantaneously.

_Do you like that sort of thing?_

Jinyoung snorts in amusement, resisting the urge to laugh to himself in the middle of the office and look like a weird person.

no, i like flirting with a faceless and nameless guy over the phone.

He feels breathless after he sends it, feeling brazen and bold. It’s the first time he’s hinted to the person that he’s deliberately flirting with them. Barely a minute later, he feels guilty, wondering if his secret admirer will be astute enough to sense that he’s joking humorously with his usual sarcasm and not intending to insult them. Because it’s only now that he fully realises that he truly _does_ enjoy this, this way of getting closer and closer to each other. It has all the intrigue and grand, breathless romance, the hearts and flowers kind of cheesiness his favourite romantic novels possess. Subconsciously, he’d always dreamt of a love story like this.

His phone vibrates, thankfully, not long after. The person doesn’t seem to take offence, merely responding:

 _I did think he was pretty cool_.

Jinyoung is wondering if it’s just his imagination or there’s a wistful undertone to the latest reply, when he hears footsteps and looks up to see Jaebum walking back with a shy smile on his face.

“I’m ready,” he says.

When Jinyoung blinks at him, he explains, “To go.” Jinyoung quickly snaps out of his reverie before he looks foolish, and beams, probably overdoing the wattage because Jaebum looks slightly dazzled. Jinyoung notices that his hair looks neater and slicked back, like he ran a wet comb through it. He meets Jaebum’s eyes through his glasses, and now Jaebum blinks.

Jinyoung quickly breaks their eye contact. “Let’s go then!” he says brightly, following the last of their colleagues out through the office doors into the lift lobby.


	4. Chapter 4

Jaebum takes him to a super posh French restaurant, despite his protests. They both order the executive set lunch and Jaebum chooses an expensive rose wine from the wine list. Jinyoung supposes he must be really happy for Mark and Jackson and wants to celebrate but still, he’s not used to spending so much on one meal. But when he tells Jaebum he’ll split the bill with him equally, Jaebum smiles and shakes his head indulgently.

“I like buying you food,” he says.

Jinyoung clears his throat and drops his gaze to the table at the way Jaebum is gazing across it at him, his undivided attention on Jinyoung without the chaperone of a third person. Absurdly, he feels guilty. It’s the second time today his heart has fluttered for another man besides his secret admirer — the first was when Jaebum chivalrously pulled out his chair for him to sit down before he himself took his seat. He can’t help feeling disloyal to his secret admirer, and also increasingly questioning of his own sexuality. Is he that deprived of his secret admirer’s attention that other men are starting to look attractive? Or is it just that he keeps seeing the person in every other man — even just a gallant gesture or a classy, contained smile.

The wine and appetisers arrive and they sip it in a stilted silence, both not used to being alone with each other in such close proximity, without a wall as a shield to hide behind. Jinyoung is running through possible conversation openers in his mind when his phone vibrates in his pocket, startling him. He’s about to automatically take it out and check if it’s a reply from his admirer when he remembers he’s with company and it’s rude. But Jaebum gestures to him to feel free to use his phone with another smile. Jinyoung shoots him a grateful smile back and fishes out his phone, discreetly unlocking it under the table.

He’s disappointed that it’s not a reply from who he was hoping, but a gossipy text from one of his other colleagues who knows he’s good friends with Mark and wants to get the dirt on what just went down in the office earlier. Although he indulges in office gossip as healthily as any other corporate worker, now he feels lazy to reply and instead opens up his conversation with his admirer. The latest message was from him, so Jinyoung guesses it’s his turn to reply.

He sneaks another glance and apologetic smile back up at Jaebum, who is drinking his glass of wine slowly. He doesn’t look like he minds terribly, so Jinyoung gives himself a few more seconds to ask a question he’s suddenly very curious about.

who are you with right now?

While Jinyoung is stowing his phone back in his pocket, the main course arrives but Jaebum seems distracted, checking his own phone and excusing himself to go to the restroom again. Maybe it’s that same colleague enquiring if he’s available to gossip too. Or his girlfriend. Jinyoung can’t very well show his surprising disappointment on his face that Jaebum is leaving the table for a mere few minutes when he himself just impolitely texted someone first. He just smiles pleasantly and says, “Sure, but hurry back or the food will get cold.”

Jaebum smiles at him and nods, departing swiftly in the direction of the restrooms.

Jinyoung has barely taken a few bites of the food, which honestly tastes like edible gold, when his phone vibrates against his thigh again. He immediately drops his fork and fumbles for it.

 _I’m with a very important person_.

Jinyoung blinks at the message for a few seconds. His secret admirer has a very important person in the office to him, besides Jinyoung?

He blames the fit of jealousy that overtakes him for the message he bangs out next.

I want to see you today.

_Why?_

The reply comes almost instantaneously.

i think… maybe, i’m in love with you.

 

There’s a commotion in the distance a few seconds after he’s sent the message, dropped his phone in his lap and picked his fork up again with shaking hands. Suddenly all his appetite is gone, his stomach in knots. But his gut churns to realise with a shiver that he’s not sorry to have sent the message. Because it’s true. And maybe seeing Mark and Jackson finding their happiness earlier today had snapped something in him, some patience that had worn out into urgency and need.

His thoughts are scattered in another moment when Jaebum returns to the table, red-faced and in a fluster. Jinyoung has never seen him so undone, probably because the front of his shirt has a pretty obvious stain on it.

“I bumped into a waiter outside the restroom and the wine he was carrying spilled on my shirt,” he mutters, avoiding Jinyoung’s eyes as he sits down. The tips of his ears are red.

“Oh no,” Jinyoung exclaims. “Do you need to go to the restroom again to wash up? Here, let me help you —“ He reaches across the table with his napkin and dabs clumsily at Jaebum’s shirt front.

Jaebum recoils instinctively, a little but enough to sting. Jinyoung quickly backs away, trying not to show his hurt.

“It’s okay, I got it, thanks,” Jaebum stammers gruffly. He roughly blots the stain out with his own napkin, then drops it in his lap and starts on his cooling food.

Jaebum’s head is buried in his plate so Jinyoung can only see the crown of his head and whorl of his hair. He must be embarrassed about the accident and getting his shirt dirty, Jinyoung understands. But he still feels lonely and disappointed that this lunch date turned out to be the disaster of awkwardness he had dreaded it would be.

They both spend the rest of the lunch with their eyes glued to their phone screens, barely pausing to take mouthfuls of the now tasteless food without looking up at each other. It’s excruciatingly awkward. The only comfort and distraction Jinyoung has from his dismay is the reply that lights up his phone after a few endless minutes.

He exhales silently when he sees the words.

_You remember I’m a guy, right?_

He can’t resist rolling his eyes in disbelieving amusement at the man’s slow-wittedness. He sighs unconsciously while replying.

i don’t care.

This time the response comes much quicker.

_Are you sure?_

Jinyoung is reaching the end of his patience.

i could call you in the office anytime i wanted and your phone would ring.

 _You wouldn’t_.

how do you know?

 _You’re not that kind of person. You would have done so long ago if you wanted to_.

Jinyoung grits his teeth. His secret admirer knows him way too well.

 _I trust you_.

For the first time, the other man sends two messages in a row, not to passive-aggressively stop Jinyoung, or assuage his own anxiety, but, Jinyoung can tell from his tone, just to be kind. It’s this very kindness that breaks him, emboldens him into typing his answer.

please. i just want to see you.  
i know i said I’d wait till you were ready, but i can’t stand another day.  
i can’t make any promises about a relationship until we meet face to face and i can find out what kind of feelings i have towards you,  
but right now i really do believe i like you.

He desperately hopes that the silence that ensues is because he has moved his secret admirer’s heart with his lengthy appeal, into seriously considering his proposition.

 

He barely registers going through the motions of finishing the meal with Jaebum, watching him slide his credit card into the bill and apologise embarrassedly to the waiter again, telling him to take the cost of the spilled bottle of wine off his card but being politely declined as the waiter bowed deeply in apology instead for ruining his shirt. He barely manages to feel relieved they chose to come to such a refined and exorbitant restaurant to eat because a cheaper one would certainly have demanded compensation. He barely notices getting into Jaebum’s car, Jaebum respectfully holding the passenger door open for him, and then both of them awkwardly getting out upon arriving in the office carpark and taking the lift up, then finally, mercifully, dispersing from the disastrous lunch to head back to their separate cubicles. The entire time, Jaebum still looks mortified and shell-shocked, and because Jinyoung doesn’t want to embarrass him more he tries not to look at him or his shirt, although he doesn’t think a drink spill is a big deal.

Sequestered in the privacy of his walls, Jinyoung’s phone nearly slips out of his clammy fingers when it vibrates again with the long-awaited answer to his question. He almost doesn’t have the guts to open the message, but when he does, he can’t believe his eyes. He must be dreaming. The day he has been anticipating eagerly for months has at long last arrived.

 _Let’s meet this evening after work, in the office. I checked and no one else is working overtime, so we’ll be alone_.

Jinyoung’s eyes prickle, his chest thudding vigorously. He rereads the message two more times, clutching the phone with both hands.

are you sure? i didn’t mean to pressure you.

_Yes, I’m sure :) Just… could you promise me something?_

It’s the first time his secret admirer has sent him an emoji. Jinyoung’s heart leaps.

anything.

 _I hope you won’t stop being friends with me, even if you find out you don’t have feelings for me_.

The message is abruptly solemn, making his heart ache. His mind races. This person must be a friend of his then — which doesn’t really provide many more clues, because he’s friends with almost all the guys in the office. He quickly snaps out of his stupor and speed-types a reply, not wanting the person to misunderstand his delay as hesitation.

of course. i would never, ever do that.  
i promise not to avoid you and continue being friends with you, no matter who you are.

 _Okay_.

The single word feels like it’s changed his life, even before he’s met the person. He’s just filled with so much ecstasy, he feels like he could levitate. He has no idea how he’s going to concentrate on work for the rest of the day, he’s sitting on pins and needles. Somehow, he’s going to have to grit his teeth through the last, few, painful hours.

Before he settles down to work with the rest of his colleagues, though, he sends off a last reply, hoping his light-heartedness will reassure the person, who must be feeling doubly as nervous as him, a little.

don’t worry and relax. i’m not a monster. i’m not going to eat you!

He adds an angel emoji at the end. It’s pretty lame as far as reassurances go, but his brain is fried right now and this is the best effort he can muster.

 

For the remainder of the afternoon, he feels like a kid on Christmas day, like he’s waiting for the most important present his secret admirer has ever given him. Evening arrives, and as he watches his colleagues filter out one by one, the number of guys decreasing, the pressure in his chest feels more and more nerve-wracking.

Mark and Jackson are the last to leave, Mark waving goodbye to him cheerfully before Jackson ushers him to his car in the carpark. Okay, he’s now the only one left in the office. Jinyoung feels slightly idiotic. He has the wild, ludicrous thought that this was all an elaborate prank played by his other colleagues, which doesn’t make sense because everybody is really nice to him. And his secret admirer definitely exists. But where is he? Is he the one who played a practical joke on Jinyoung, like so long ago now at the initial phase of his courtship when Jinyoung had suspected it was a hoax?

No, no, it’s impossible. He has to believe in himself, and trust the person the way he trusted Jinyoung all this time. He immediately feels bad for doubting them. There must be a good reason they’re late. Maybe they’re getting a surprise ready for him, or waiting to make an entrance after they’re sure everybody is gone. Or maybe they’re feeling as anxious as him, loitering outside the office doors and bracing themselves to step in.

Jinyoung firmly banishes all such wild thoughts from his mind and focuses on waiting patiently. He checks his phone; no new messages. His last message is marked as read. They would have replied him if they weren’t coming. So this means they are.

He messes with his hair in his reflection in the phone camera, hoping his shirt isn’t pasted to his back with sweat. His face is flushed, colour high on his cheeks. He looks like a nervous wreck.

His chair creaks with how high he jumps when he hears approaching footsteps behind him. Jinyoung spins around, his heart in his throat.

He blinks, momentarily disoriented to see Jaebum slowly walking towards him. Towards their cubicles. He’s now wearing a charcoal suit jacket, probably to hide the wine stain on his shirt. It’s the first time Jinyoung has seen him wearing a suit and he can’t help noticing Jaebum looks awfully handsome. He’s holding a bag from Starbucks.

Jinyoung is confused. His voice is hoarse when he pipes up, “Did you… forget something?”

The look on Jaebum’s face stops his world turning on its axis. Jaebum halts in his tracks too, a few paces away, standing stock still.

“It’s me,” he says softly, so softly Jinyoung almost doesn’t hear.

“It’s you,” he echoes, his eyes riveted on Jaebum’s face, moving down his immaculate suit, the hand clenched white-knuckled over the handle of the bag.

“I’m your secret admirer,” Jaebum chokes out. His face is stricken, posture stiff, looking poised to run. Jinyoung’s heart is beating out of his chest, out of his mouth.

“I know,” he hears his voice saying, and the moment the words leave his mouth he realises they’re the pure and simple truth. Because his heart is still pounding like a sledgehammer, but he feels almost no surprise at all. He feels many different emotions, but surprise isn’t one of them. Most of them are variations of joy. Ecstasy. He finally realises, preposterously belatedly, that the fact that he isn’t shocked tells him somewhere deep inside his subconscious, inside his very bones, he already sensed that it was Jaebum long ago. Maybe, just maybe, the way he’s been so damn thick, considering every other guy in the office but refusing to even entertain the remote possibility it could be Jaebum, was precisely because he knew it was him. And knowing this, but not wanting to burst the fragile bubble between them, he continued communicating with Jaebum’s two identities at the same time. He had covered his eyes with denial, but he couldn’t cover his heart.

 

Everything falls into place like puzzle pieces aligning together, effortlessly.

Who else could it be? Who else could he _want_ it to be?

No one else, is the answer. There’s no one else in the office he wanted to be his secret admirer more than Jaebum.

Jaebum who is still rooted to the ground with his heart in his eyes, gazing beseechingly at him.

“Are you… d-disappointed?”

Jinyoung feels absolutely horrible. He was the one who had pled to meet, and now he’s also the one giving this kind of ambiguous and misleading response. It’s obvious how nervous Jaebum is from how he’s even stammering. His hoarse voice goes straight to Jinyoung’s heart.

“Hey. What’s wrong?” He can’t believe he’s the one getting to his feet and approaching Jaebum like a flighty animal, trying to relax and reassure him when he’s still reeling. “Have you forgotten we’re friends? We just talked without any problems this afternoon,” he jokes, when he reaches Jaebum and stands in front of him. His hands feel awkward hanging at his sides so he shoves them into his pockets.

“This is different,” Jaebum mutters, lowering his eyes shyly. “I feel like a snail without its shell.”

Jinyoung nearly laughs. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It feels like the biggest cosmic joke ever — or, looking at Jaebum, he amends silently: cosmic miracle. He decides to relieve Jaebum of his long-suffering suspense.

“To answer your question,” he drawls, slightly teasingly, “Yes, I was disappointed earlier this morning when you said you were ready and it turned out it was only to go for lunch. But no — I’m not disappointed now. At all. You…” — he looks at Jaebum and loses the power of speech for a moment — “You’re everything I hoped for, and more.”

“Are you serious?” Jaebum squeaks, then clears his throat to save face. But his pink ears and the sheer relief that floods his face betray him hopelessly. Jinyoung can’t believe he’s never noticed how endearing Jaebum is. He wants to hug him.

But Jaebum’s deepened voice when he continues banishes all thoughts of cuddling and makes Jinyoung’s throat dry.

“I just… worried you’d built up an ideal of me and I wouldn’t meet it.”

His voice trails off uncertainly, making Jinyoung’s heart go out to him.

He shakes his head and meets Jaebum’s eyes solemnly. “No. Just like I’m the same person who was your friend and received your gifts and messages; the you who sent me those gifts and messages, the you who went for lunch with me and Mark, the you who’s standing here right now — you’re all the same person. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that I wouldn’t treat every part of you the same way.”

“You never did!” Jaebum quickly says. “It was just my own insecurity.”

“I’m still sorry,” Jinyoung says quietly, making Jaebum look up at him with widened eyes, then blush at the look on his face. “For everything. For not knowing.”

Jaebum shakes his head mutely, with vehemence. He seems overwhelmed, abruptly bashful and tongue-tied and this contrast from his smoothness in his messages and notes goes straight past Jinyoung’s defences. Jaebum has never been slick — he’s always sincere and earnest to a fault, no matter which medium he’s communicating by, but it’s almost painful how shy he is, face to face with all secrets exposed between them. Jinyoung can sort of understand his speechlessness, though, because he still can’t stop shaking his head in abject mortification and disgust at himself for being so blind to what was right under his nose this whole entire time.

 

“I feel like the biggest fool in the universe right now,” Jinyoung says sheepishly, trying not to groan.

Jaebum laughs, a sound that addresses Jinyoung’s nether regions directly.

“You are pretty foolish, but I’ll forgive you if you agree to be my fool.”

That’s Jinyoung’s secret admirer all right — the frank, appreciative glint in Jaebum’s eye that makes his heart skip a beat, while the tenderness and intensity in his gaze running over Jinyoung makes his stomach feel like a cage of butterflies. Jinyoung recognises that unmistakable look from the language and tone of Jaebum’s texts, an indescribable manifestation of every word he’s ever sent Jinyoung, a piercing look that makes him want to swoon and throw himself into Jaebum’s strong arms.

Jaebum looks much more comfortable now, enough to press a little flirtatiously, a little seriously, “Will you? You know, I’ve never wanted anyone or anything in my life more than…” He breaks off and ducks his head, seeming unable to finish his sentence, but looks back up at Jinyoung, his meaning obvious. “It was both pure happiness and one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done to sit right in front of you for so many months.”

Jinyoung inhales softly at Jaebum’s words, and moves forward reflexively, closing the distance between them. Jaebum looks down, eyes saucers, when Jinyoung takes his hand timidly. A faint rosy blush dusts immediately across his cheekbones.

The lopsided, eyeless grin that breaks over his face takes Jinyoung’s breath away. It’s only now, with room for comparison, that he realises how circumspect Jaebum had been about his emotions, how wary and cautious. The raw longing and yearning that seeps into his eyes now, as if from behind a broken dam, stops Jinyoung’s heart. It conveys unspoken months of quiet frustration, holding back his emotions and wanting, wishing, hungering from afar. It’s only now when Jaebum allows the worship into his gaze that Jinyoung realises how much he likes him. That much, enough to control and restrain himself for such a lifetime. And oh, the volumes of adoration Jinyoung glimpses in his still slightly guarded face seem bottomless, dizzying. Jaebum has that very seem discipline and high expectations of himself he suspected his secret admirer had, a quality he found sexy, but which must have been painful for him.

“You should have told me,” he murmurs hushedly, voice thick, knowing that Jaebum knows what he’s talking about.

“I guess I was overthinking,” he admits. “First it was because of my gender, and then even after you said you didn’t mind, something stopped me every time I wanted to tell you. I thought you couldn’t possibly like me. I’m too boring, too much of a stuffed shirt —“

Jinyoung can’t help it, he laughs at Jaebum calling himself a stuffed shirt. He tells Jaebum that he’s never found him boring, not for one second. Reserved, yes, but in a mysterious, fascinating way.

It’s completely true. He’s still astounded at how similar and yet different they are at the same time, how Jaebum feels so intimately familiar to him and yet such a stranger. Even after all these months talking via all these different channels of correspondence, Jaebum is still very much a closed book to him. And this suits Jinyoung well, because obviously — he loves reading.

It’s not difficult to reconcile the man standing before him and the friend he has been growing steadily closer to with the impeccable gentleman Jinyoung has been conversing with. He now fully realises how long Jaebum has been watching over him like a knight in shining armour, a guardian angel. He’s that selfsame eloquent, enigmatic person who has been making Jinyoung laugh and smile and walk on air.

 

Jaebum gives up on his self-deprecating at Jinyoung’s incredulous reaction, and instead shifts the bag in his hand which Jinyoung only realises he has been holding for ages now.

“Do you want to put that down?” he exclaims in concern. He feels almost as if he’s back to talking to the Jaebum he went on lunches with, except now there’s an invisible charged electricity in the air sizzling between them.

Jaebum laughs nervously and nods, flexing his fingers. “Actually, yes. My hand’s cramped up,” he quips, apparently relaxed enough to wisecrack.

But he doesn’t hand over the bag, instead lifting it up and opening it.

“I brought you a caramel macchiato,” he mumbles sweetly. “Though it’s probably lukewarm by now.”

“I don’t care.” Jinyoung practically grabs the cup greedily from Jaebum’s hand. Jaebum laughs at his eagerness.

“You like it with whipped cream, right?” He sounds smug about his well-informed knowledge.

“How do you know?” Jinyoung gasps, taking a huge sip. It’s tooth-rottingly sweet, not from the sugar but because it’s bought by Jaebum.

“I have my ways,” Jaebum says with that infuriating air of mystery.

“I feel like I should be creeped out by that line, but I’m not…” Jinyoung has a shit-eating grin on his face; he hates himself for being so easily pleased.

Jaebum’s eyes turn serious as they regard him.

“I know my methods of approaching you were kind of shady,” he concedes. “But you know that I would never hurt you, right?”

Jinyoung nods yes, the lump in his throat too big to speak. Yes, he feels so unconditionally safe in the caress of Jaebum’s protective eyes, his watchfulness quiet but undisguised.

“You’re wearing my sweater,” Jaebum points out softly apropos of nothing, as if he just realised.

Jinyoung looks down, eyes wide, and beams. “Yup. Luckily I brought it along today. Seems like my subconscious predicted I was going to summon you and was one step ahead of me, as usual.”

He’s trying too hard to make Jaebum laugh. But he can’t help it — he wants to impress Jaebum, wants him to find Jinyoung as witty and funny as Jinyoung finds him.

He nearly swallows his sip of coffee down the wrong pipe when Jaebum _smirks_.

He hurriedly puts down the cup, coughing discreetly, and changes the subject to distract him.

“This is yours, isn’t it?” He digs the grey umbrella out of his drawer and holds it up to Jaebum, slightly accusingly.

Jaebum’s poker face doesn’t waver. “Never seen it,” he deadpans. "Maybe it's Mark's?"

Jinyoung whacks him with the umbrella until his face crumples into laughter and he relents, saying, “You keep it! It’s yours now!”

Jinyoung abruptly realises they’re surrounded by all the gifts Jaebum has given him — the sweater, coffee, umbrella, even the little gold foil rose. Surrounded by all these, it hits him again how unbelievably dumb he’s been, only now opening his eyes to what he should have seen from the start.

 

“I’ll make it up to you,” he murmurs to Jaebum remorsefully, hanging his head.

Jaebum’s face softens at his appalled contrition. He squeezes the hand Jinyoung is holding, intertwining their fingers.

“It was a privilege to be your secret admirer,” he says gently. “It was my pleasure.”

Jinyoung blushes to the tips of his hair, Jaebum’s fingers smooth and warm between his.

“Thank you for waiting for me to be ready so patiently,” Jaebum smoothly transitions, but Jinyoung senses genuine gratitude beneath his light tone.

“Well,” he teases, lightening the mood, “I didn’t really mind because I was receiving gifts and surprises the whole time. Every day was like my birthday!”

Jaebum can’t hold back a smile at his brightness. He cocks an eyebrow at Jinyoung thoughtfully, studying him.

“Are you really certain you wouldn’t rather date a girl?” Jaebum’s voice is mirthful, but his eyes are serious.

“Yes!” Jinyoung exclaims. “Didn’t I just tell you I prefer being spoiled to spoiling people?”

The laughter playing at Jaebum’s lips reaches his eyes now.

“Actually… I’ve never been the sort of person who likes pampering people.” His unexpected confession makes Jinyoung’s smile slip. “But…” Jaebum continues, “You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to take care of.”

Jinyoung is speechless. He’s actually melting; he didn’t even see that coming.

 

They’ve spent so long avoiding and running from the inescapable gravitational pull between them, because they didn’t want to burst the bubbles of personal space they had built individually between their cubicles. They were so busy maintaining this tenuous distance that they never realised how improbably but perfectly they fit, how they complement each other. Jinyoung knows full well that in the past months, it’s Jaebum who has filled in his usually dull, monotone office life with colour, excitement, magic, romance — and the surprises he loves most. He owes this Technicolour life he’s living entirely to Jaebum, and he doesn’t want to let go of this brilliance and go back to black and white and grayscale.

He senses that Jaebum has almost completely thawed towards him now, both his identities melding in Jinyoung’s eyes too, into one.

He’s still awkward and clumsy, but Jinyoung can see glimpses of his competent, confident self too, and this paradox is at once incredibly cute and really hot. He’s noticing everything about this man he hasn’t before — can’t stop noticing everything about him: the way his voice sounds like velvet and silk, how much younger he looks with his crooked smile. Jinyoung is suddenly acutely aware of Jaebum’s maleness — he’s manly in a different way from Jackson, a quiet, unassuming and breathtaking kind of masculinity. He’s mature in a way that makes Jinyoung want to call him _hyung_ , to revel in the tiny age gap between them. He never thought he would have a type of guy — but apparently he does because _wow_. _Totally_ his type. He can’t see anything else except Jaebum, can’t unsee everything he’s seen about him.

As if reading his thoughts, Jaebum says conversationally, “You know, I’ve had a longtime wish.”

“What?” Jinyoung probes eagerly.

Jaebum smiles at him wistfully, casts his eyes down shyly. “That you would call me _hyung_ one day.”

Jinyoung gasps. He’s almost certain he and Jaebum are soulmates.

But he contains himself, and flutters his eyelashes at Jaebum winsomely.

“Only if you call my name too.”

Jaebum raises a challenging eyebrow, lips twitching.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung says, “Jaebum hyung,” at the same time Jaebum calls, “Jinyoung. Jinyoungie.”

Jinyoung inhales softly. Jaebum’s voice when saying his name is softer than molasses.

On his part, Jaebum allows his guard to slip fully for the first time. And the look on his face is completely different from the usual platonic way he looks at Jinyoung. There is nothing _agape_ about this look and everything _eros_ , charged with a hunger and desire that makes Jinyoung’s traitorous heart skip a wild beat. Jaebum swiftly lowers his eyes, as if realising he revealed too much of himself in his vulnerability.

 

“So,” Jaebum clears his throat uncomfortably, changing the subject, “Apparently it’s against the company rules to date colleagues?”

Jinyoung blinks and frowns. “I never knew,” he counters innocently.

But he privately knows what Jaebum means. He likes his job, and they both worked hard to qualify from it. It had been their dream job as fresh graduates and Jinyoung knows neither of them is prepared to lose it. Besides that, everyone in the corporate field knows that workplace romances are almost taboo, impractical to say the least. How will they work together in future should they have an awkward breakup? But right now, Jinyoung is too in love to care about trivialities like that.

“We might just get a free pass,” he says, half-joking, “Seeing as our best friend is dating the boss.”

“Fingers crossed,” Jaebum replies, equally tongue-in-cheek.

Jinyoung still can’t believe the man he has been searching high and low for turned out to be his seat neighbour. So close, yet so unreachably far, as Jaebum had said.

“It’s unfair that you already know everything about me,” he grouses, whining a little. He feels anxious to make up for lost time, even though he knows they have plenty ahead.

Jaebum doesn’t argue. “You can ask me anything you want. I’ll tell you about myself too.” Jinyoung can’t stay mad at his feline smile.

“No more secrets?” Jinyoung relents gruffly.

“None,” Jaebum vows gravely.

Jinyoung giggles. “Okay, you can start by listing all the reasons you fell for me,” he prompts imperiously.

Jaebum fakes shock. “Whoa, bossy.” But he agreeably launches into the list Jinyoung demanded.

“I like that you’re a caring friend, a hard worker, that you draw people to you like moths to a flame. I like your soft heart and pretty smile and how intelligent and bookish you look when you’re reading. Also… you’re really cute.” Jaebum’s voice cracks on the last line. It’s devastatingly adorable.

Jinyoung basks in the glow of his adulation, pretending not to see how vigorously Jaebum is blushing. “Go on, don’t stop until I finish my cup of coffee,” he orders impudently. Jaebum looks like he wants to kill him. Or kiss him stupid.

Thinking about kissing… Jinyoung chokes on his drink for the umpteenth time in this conversation and turns tomato red. Jaebum thumps his back, looking solicitous but hides a gloating smirk behind the curve of his lips.

There — there’s that maddeningly placid composure again, the one that makes Jinyoung want to shake up his heart, to make him gulp.

“What about you?” Jaebum enquires boldly, ignoring his command insolently. “When did you fall in love with me, Jinyoungie?”

His tone is flip, mischievous, but Jinyoung sees a flash of familiar insecurity in his eyes.

“Was it today, when I walked in and you realised you’ve been sleeping on my devastating good looks?” Jaebum goes on in his out-of-character — but not unattractive — cocky tone, confirming Jinyoung’s suspicions that the question is anything but flippant.

He smiles tenderly, and takes out his phone.

“Check what I saved your contact as.” His pulse quickens with excitement.

Jaebum looks puzzled but curious as he takes the phone from Jinyoung and scrolls down his contact list to find his own number.

Jaebum gasps softly when he sees the name Jinyoung saved for his number.

 _My prince_.

He had given a name to Jaebum’s previously anonymous number on his phone, on the day Jaebum let slip that he had fallen in love at first sight with Jinyoung on the first day of work. Something about his words had moved Jinyoung’s very heart.

He tells Jaebum that now, adding proudly, “I loved you even before I knew who you were.”

“True love,” Jaebum quips wryly with his half-smile, but he hands back the phone to Jinyoung shakily.

 

They look at each other.

“Do you want to sit down?” Jinyoung suggests.

Jaebum agrees gladly. “My legs were getting tired.” He pulls his spinny chair over and straddles it backward, leaning forward with his arms folded around the backrest to continue staring at Jinyoung.

“You have a milk moustache.” Jaebum hides a smile behind his hand. Jinyoung is _still_ drinking his now-cold coffee. He wouldn’t throw away a single precious drop.

“Kiss it away,” he retorts daringly.

Jaebum’s mouth falls open, his eyes flickering down to Jinyoung’s lips and then moving back up. His face is a shade pinker.

“Can I?” He swallows, voice barely a whisper.

Jinyoung nods. “Kiss me, Im Jaebum,” he exhorts dramatically, the confidence he’s trying to affect ruined by his voice cracking a little.

Jaebum melts into a half-smile again, giving him a coy, knowing look. Jinyoung blushes furiously and sets down his cup, shifting in his chair.

Jaebum shrugs off his jacket, revealing broad shoulders filling out the sleeves of the stained shirt he’s still wearing. Even if the stain wasn’t hidden by the chair he’s sitting astride, Jinyoung doubts he would look any less edible.

Jinyoung watches Jaebum loosen the noose of his tie as if he’s hot and undo his top button. He unbuttons his cuffs too and rolls the sleeves up to his elbow, revealing toned and muscled lower arms. Jinyoung stares unabashedly.

Jaebum seems to be stalling for time, but he wouldn’t know. When he finally scoots closer to Jinyoung on the wheels of his chair, raising his head to meet Jinyoung’s eyes, Jinyoung reaches out unthinkingly to lift his glasses gently off his face.

He almost does a double take because Jaebum without glasses looks like Clark Kent shedding his. Jinyoung drinks in the moles above his left eye, his unblemished latte-coloured complexion, and forgets to breathe.

“Fuck,” he mutters.

Jaebum knits his brow. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, except for the fact that you’re fucking gorgeous and I can’t breathe, I’m just peachy.”

Jaebum gapes at him, slowly turning a delicious shade of beetroot. Jinyoung wants to take a bite out of him.

“What are you waiting for?” he mutters in humiliation, suddenly craving Jaebum’s touch, and Jaebum snaps to his senses and leans in. He doesn’t disappoint.

Jaebum takes his face in both hands, holding him with exquisite care. Jinyoung wants to tear up at Jaebum cradling his face like he’s delicate, like he’s made of stardust. He’s looking at Jinyoung with awe, like he’s luminescent.

His fingers tremble slightly as he moves in. It’s the first time Jinyoung has had to imagine kissing someone this tall, this _male_ , and the newness is exhilarating, like the top of a rollercoaster drop, the second before the descent begins. Jaebum licks his lips nervously, so close now his tongue grazes Jinyoung’s lips, and he squeezes his eyes shut.

These are his secret admirer’s hands. His secret admirer’s voice. His secret admirer’s lips. And oh, _yes_ , that scent he knows so well, enveloping him like never before. It’s paradise, paradise in Jaebum’s mouth and tongue sliding into Jinyoung’s pliant mouth and against his. Jaebum’s mouth starts out moving tenderly, even chastely on his, but suddenly his lips are devouring, _ravishing_ Jinyoung’s with a gentle savagery he can barely keep up with. Jinyoung feels like he’s only now fully acquainted with the depth and intensity of Jaebum’s emotions for him, the older man losing control of himself and deepening the kiss so erotically Jinyoung’s entire body is responding.

There’s so much desperate want in Jaebum’s kiss, Jinyoung’s blood is burning.

 

His knees have buckled, entire body dissolved into a molten mess by the time Jaebum breaks away, gasping. They both gulp oxygen raggedly in, as if coming up from underwater. Jinyoung keeps his eyes closed, afraid to break the spell, but Jaebum cups the back of his head with his palm and pulls his face into his shoulder. He strokes Jinyoung’s hair in apology.

“Are you okay?”

Jinyoung takes a moment to catch his breath, running his hands up and down Jaebum’s sinuous arms and his lithe, built body admiringly. Jaebum shivers under his touch, pulls back to peer down at him when he doesn’t answer.

“I love you,” he whispers, caressing Jinyoung’s cheek. “Are you all right?”

Jinyoung’s breath is knocked out of his lungs; he takes a moment to find his voice. He can’t even begin to find the words to answer Jaebum’s first line, but he tries to smile shakily.

“I’m gold.”

Jaebum lifts a lazy eyebrow, doing _things_ to Jinyoung’s body.

“ _The Outsiders_?” he guesses. God damn, his English is every bit as sexy as expected.

Jinyoung can only nod.

Jaebum chuckles at that, seeming to remember something. He breaks off from their fondling for awhile to muse, “You know, I was debating between _Catcher_ and _Veronika Decides To Die_ for your birthday present. But I thought the latter would be too morbid for a birthday.”

Jinyoung gasps, successfully distracted. “I wouldn’t have minded! How did you know that’s the only one of Coelho’s books I haven’t read?”

Jaebum laughs, eyes hooded with a rare playful glint. “There’s always Valentine’s day.”

Jinyoung is a hundred and ten percent sure he’s met his soulmate. Also that he’s utterly screwed by Jaebum’s stupidly breathtaking eye smile, but this Jaebum doesn’t have to know.

If they were in a love story of their own, he thinks -- this would be the part where it ends with both of them finding each other. And yet, he knows this is but the end of the first chapter in their book, and their next one is only just beginning.

“I’m going to kiss you again,” he warns his no longer secret admirer, knowing it will shock him and savouring his pretty blush.

This time, Jaebum closes his eyes, and Jinyoung leans in to show him with his body the appetite Jaebum has awoken in him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yes, this chapter turned out longer than expected lol... I hope it doesn't disappoint! :) although i feel sad to say goodbye to this verse, I'm so relieved to have finished this fic successfully haha. and I really want to thank every single reader who left a comment, kudos and even the silent readers who only contributed views because I couldn't have done it without you. before writing every new chapter I was honestly so nervous like, "what if this is the chapter I lose my groove and butcher the whole fic?" bc we all know I've done that before lol. but then the response to the chapter would be so encouraging and I'd be all pumped up like "you can do it!" that's why I'm really grateful to everyone who joined me in this journey, whether vocal or not, I felt your presence! and of course there's a special place in my heart for the people who read this in future too, so thanks in advance!
> 
> if you're interested in my future jjp fics, I have 3 more prompts planned for this series. one is about het!jjp with fem!jinyoung, the second about olympics diving rivals and the third about parallel pov narratives of jinyoung being jealous of jackbum (I combined a few of the prompts together but I'm still writing every one I received!) if you have any preferences on which you'd like to read next, feel free to drop me a comment :)


	5. Chapter 5

I'm going to write an epilogue for this fic! There will probably be a bit of mild smut, as stated in the fic summary, and I have a few ideas, but not enough to fill a chapter and since I seem to work so well with other people's prompts and ideas, and this fic has been so well-received, I wanted to repay readers for their love by writing out any specific scenes or moments they might want to see in this fic and verse, in the epilogue. Some readers commented that they were sad to see this end, and wanted to read more romantic dates and moments, so I plan to write something along that line, but I can write any ideas for short scenes or moments as long as they fit into the characterisation and verse! I also wanted to write more Markson so feel free to suggest ideas for a Markson scene or two too :) I don't know how many people will comment but I'll try to write every scene I receive a suggestion for, I'll delete this chapter once I reach a certain amount of comments though because obviously I can't write too many. This chapter will probably be up for about a day or two, depending on how many comments I get so feel free to drop me your ideas in the comments section! Thank you once again to everybody who said they couldn't get enough of this AU and were disappointed it ended so quickly, and everybody who has read this fic in general.

Oh, and let me know if you think the epilogue should be switched to Jaebum's point of view :)

 

update: thank you so much to everybody who commented! I won't be accepting any more ideas or suggestions because I already have enough, but if there's something important you noticed I missed and should be reminded to add in, or just anything else you want to say, feel free to comment! I didn't want to delete this chapter and lose the comments, so I'm posting the epilogue as the next 2 chapters.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think no one is surprised by now I couldn’t finish the epilogue in one chapter and had to extend it to 2 lol. I truly apologise for how sloppy the chapter estimation in this fic was from the start till the end, which probably gave the initial impression to readers that this was a twoshot and ended up a chaptered fic! I was honestly not expecting so many comments in the previous chapter, all of them so lengthy and warm! I even received many comments from new readers who I never knew were reading before then ;A; I didn’t delete the chapter because I don’t want to delete all the precious comments, and the credit for the ideas belong to the commenters who suggested them to me! Only a few of the ideas and the details are mine in these 2 chapters, two thirds of the major plot points are my readers’ ideas and if you want to see who the credit for each point belongs to you can read the comments on chapter 5 :) I was lucky because all I had to do was to knit all the brilliant ideas together into a whole and expand on them, everyone’s suggestions actually fell together pretty easily and cohesively. I know these 2 chapters would be totally and completely different if I hadn’t opened that post yesterday so really, thank you to the readers who commented. Special thanks to my friend londonromance, whose comment in particular made me see jaebum’s characterisation in a new and insightful way and inspired the final scene in this chapter!
> 
> also, one of my sweetest readers myturntocry recced me a song that reminded her of the confession scene in chapter 4 and I thought it was really nice so I linked it [here](https://youtu.be/OhCYe5CS6r0) for readers to check out if you want!

The day after they start dating, Jaebum starts emailing Jinyoung at work, using their work email addresses.

He doesn’t know why he does — but it makes him feel better about having lost the channel of texting Jinyoung anonymously. Maybe it’s because he’s been a secret admirer for too long, but Jaebum finds that he feels more comfortable chatting Jinyoung up and subtly flirting with him through anonymous means. Email isn’t anonymous, but at least it’s the best option he has left, and the one that’s the most illicit and risky and clandestine. It reminds Jaebum of how he daringly slipped the chocolate and gold rose onto Jinyoung’s desk, striding past quickly with his pulse shallow, on the day he needed cheering up. Jaebum needs to be his most confident, charming self when addressing Jinyoung, and the more anonymity he had, the more freedom he felt to let go of the trappings of his personality.

Plus, Jinyoung seems to find it immensely amusing. Jaebum bites his lip to keep his smile from taking over his face when he hears the muffled huff of breath on the other side of the divider between their desks, in the voice he loves. He breathlessly awaits, his email window open, and isn’t disappointed. Within a minute, an equally flirtatious and witty reply tumbles into his inbox, making him lose nearly all his ability to work. He just wants to vault over that annoying wall separating them from each other, take Jinyoung’s face in his hands and kiss him deeply with the office spinning into oblivion around them.

Jinyoung doesn’t bring up his emails when they go for lunch together in his car, as if it’s their little inside joke, and Jaebum takes this as encouragement that he likes it.

 

His usually totally focused concentration on his work wanes, mind drifting to comb through his pitiable arsenal of pick-up lines and sexy jokes and intellectual quotes, both in Korean and English, but his memory seems to fail him at this crucial time and they’re forbidden to use the internet to search for personal stuff during work.

It’s partially because Jinyoung can match him quote for quote, a formidable opponent. He steals Jaebum’s next one-liner intended to impress from under his nose, sending it right back in his email reply. Naturally, this reduces the amount of quotes Jaebum has at his disposal by a good half. It doesn’t help that Jinyoung seems to have read almost all the same books as him, their literary tastes coinciding like just another of their overlapping qualities.

Ah, but how Jaebum delights in this — the way Jinyoung effortlessly _gets_ all his obscure literary references, can identify which book his quote is from in a split-second, and fire back with one of his own, unruffled. Jaebum never realised so profoundly till now that _whip-smart_ is a major turn-on for him.

Driven to last resorts, Jaebum purchases a book of poetry and rifles through the pages for poems that make him think of Jinyoung. His personal favourite is Pablo Neruda’s Sonnet XVII.

 

_I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close._

 

If the silence that follows the email he carefully typed it in English into is any indication, Jinyoung is moved by the lyrical words too.

He knows he’s sunk to an all-time low when he’s blatantly flouting the rule of not using the internet for personal searches, and embedding a compatibility test and love calculator he’s just put their names into. A few minutes after he sends it, to no response yet from Jinyoung, Jackson calls him on his desk phone.

“Can you come into my office for a moment please, Jaebum-ssi.” Their superior’s tone is flat and unamused. Jaebum winces, knowing Jinyoung will shoot him a concerned look when he passes his desk to go to the office.

Jinyoung’s wide eyes blink up worriedly at him, and Jaebum can’t help recklessly reaching out his hand to graze Jinyoung’s fingers on his keyboard as he passes. He hears Jinyoung’s soft inhale and smiles to himself, nearly forgetting his direction.

Jackson has the love calculator result with his and Jinyoung’s names typed into it expanded to full screen on his own computer when he enters his office. He twists it towards Jaebum and levels a judgmental look at him.

“I thought you were more professional than this, Jaebum-ssi.” He raises an eyebrow, enough to make Jaebum wince from his own humiliation.

“Sorry, Mr Wang.” He bows apologetically. Flushing a little and not daring to meet Jackson’s shrewd eyes directly, he sags in relief when he hears footsteps behind him. Mark barges into the room without knocking.

Jackson’s expression switches in an instant from stern to boyishly eager. “Mark hyung!”

Then he coughs, seeming to remember himself, and switches back to manager mode. “About this website…”

“Jacks!” Mark interjects shrilly.

Jackson stops in confusion and blinks at him. “What? Are you okay?” He looks concerned, successfully distracted.

Mark wiggles his shoulders a bit in a move that nearly has Jaebum snorting from the sudden deflation of tension. “No.” His voice is an octave higher. “I need to talk to you now.” He puffs up his cheeks petulantly. Jaebum looks away and bites the inside of his own cheek to keep from laughing.

“But —“ Jackson glances at Jaebum’s website, and Mark boldly moves behind his desk and perches on his knee, squinting at the screen and closing the window. Jaebum sighs in relief.

Jackson opens his mouth, frowning, but whatever he wants to say comes out in a strangled noise as Mark scoots back deliberately to lounge squarely on his lap, seeming oblivious to how red Jackson is turning.

Mark winks at Jaebum from on top of Jackson’s thighs, Jackson’s arms coming up to his waist to wrap tightly around his narrow frame. Jaebum thinks he sees Jackson bounce Mark a little, even.

Mark just says blasely, “Close the blinds on your way out.”

Jaebum closes the door and the blinds, bowing, managing to hold himself together until he’s back out on the floor, and then he takes a moment to rearrange his features. The noises emanating faintly from Jackson’s office door behind him reassure him his superior will be too busy for at least a long while to think about his infraction. And hopefully, by the time he has the liberty to, Mark will have convinced him to forget it. Jaebum will have to treat his loyal friend to a meal to thank him later.

He thinks he’s all clear, but when he walks past Jinyoung’s desk to return to his seat, Jaebum nearly trips over the carpet because Jinyoung has his email with the hot pink love calculator opened wide on his own computer screen, defiantly and rebelliously. It suddenly hits Jaebum that he might have sent Mark to his rescue. When Jaebum passes him, Jinyoung hooks his index finger into his belt loop for a moment before letting go. Jaebum swears this workplace love affair is going to claim his life sooner or later.

 

Apparently Jackson has clean forgotten about the matter, because lunchtime comes and goes without him calling Jaebum or coming out of his office again. Mark does exit about fifteen minutes after Jaebum, looking like the cat who ate the canary.

He corners Jaebum in the pantry when he’s taking a five-minute break and grabbing a cup of coffee for Jinyoung on the way.

“Thanks, Mark-yah. I owe you,” he says humbly, preparing to brush past him and get back to Jinyoung before his coffee cools, when Mark takes Jinyoung’s cup out of his hand and studies it with eyes that make Jaebum’s heart miss a beat.

“So, when were you two planning to tell me?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t huh me.” Mark rolls his eyes. “When were you two planning to tell me that you’re dating.” He narrows his eyes at Jaebum, then looks hurt. “Or were you keeping it a secret on purpose?”

“No, Mark, I can explain —“

“You know, I’m not as dense as your _boyfriend_. I already kind of guessed ages ago, so when I saw the names on that website I wasn’t surprised. And to think I thought you were hitting on one of the girls at first!” Mark barks a laugh.

“It wasn’t that we were hiding it from you. It’s just that… we were embarrassed. Nobody knows yet, but you were the first one we were going to tell.”

“Embarrassed about? The whole office already knows about and approves of me and Jackson, and you didn’t need to tell them. You could’ve just told me, so my boyfriend wouldn’t know about my best friends dating before I did. I wouldn’t even have told Jackson if you didn’t want me to.”

Jaebum gulps at the injured look on Mark’s face, not knowing what else to mumble besides “Sorry.”

“Forget it,” Mark huffs. “It’s not like I can be angry with the two of you.” He sets Jinyoung’s cup of coffee back in Jaebum’s hand. “But how long has this been going on?”

“About a month,” Jaebum admits.

“Oh.” Mark accepts the information with a solemn nod and Jaebum can tell he’s no longer offended about the withholding.

 

“But… Mark-yah?” Jaebum calls hesitantly as he’s about to leave.

Mark turns, pouting. “What?”

Jaebum doesn’t blame Jackson for being helpless against Mark’s wiles, when he himself finds Mark’s pursed lips irresistibly adorable. And as far as he’s aware, he isn’t even gay — just Jinyoung-sexual.

Jaebum hesitates, looking down at the swirl of cooling coffee in Jinyoung’s mug. “How did you guess… ages ago?”

He looks up to see Mark’s face softening, as if sympathetic for him.

“Remember my second day of work, when Jinyoung mistakenly thought I left him an umbrella?”

Jaebum nods; of course.

“Well, didn’t you knock something over when I was standing between your desks? I didn’t know why, but when Jinyoung wanted to stand up and look over the wall at you, I stopped him. There was something about the look on your face… I felt you wouldn’t want him to see.”

Jaebum gapes at him. He remembers what Mark did clearly, and the gratitude he felt for his gesture then, mingled with irritation and jealousy. But he had never known his expression had been so stripped, so naked, to the point that a stranger who had just met him a day ago could tell it had to do with Jinyoung.

He looks up at Mark, who is regarding him thoughtfully. “You saved me, again.”

Mark waves his words away awkwardly. They’re both more quiet than talkative, and awkward than comfortable in their own skin. But he now sees Mark as a true friend, and genuinely likes him.

“That was why I slipped and told Jinyoung it might be a secret admirer, that day. I hadn’t joined the dots to conclude it was you yet, but I just had the feeling the umbrella was given to him by someone like that and linked to you somehow, from your reaction.”

Indeed, Mark is more emotionally astute than he expected. Long before either Jaebum or Jinyoung had come to terms with their feelings, he had already seen at one glance how things were between them. Or maybe it was simply that Jaebum was too bad at disguising his feelings.

“Jinyoung will be happy,” Jaebum says finally, for lack of anything to break the silence. “I know he’s been feeling guilty about hiding it from you.”

Mark smirks at him. “I knew Jinyoungie was the best. Maybe I’ll tell him about the umbrella thing, Jaebummie.”

Jaebum scoffs, but his insides squeezes up in embarrassment and panic. “You wouldn’t. You’re my friend.”

“I’m his friend too,” Mark says blithely.

At the look on Jaebum’s face, he seems to take pity on him and claps his shoulder. “I was just kidding, bro. You know I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Jaebum is so relieved, Jinyoung’s cup wobbles a little in his hand and almost spills over. Mark nimbly catches his hand before it does, steadying it.

They both hear a sound of throat clearing from the doorway and turns to see Jackson leaning against the doorframe with his arms folded, eyes fixed pointedly on Mark’s hand on Jaebum’s.

Jackson eyes Jaebum. “I haven’t forgotten about this morning,” he says. “Watch your back.”

“Oh, babe,” Mark exclaims softly, voice changed a hundred and eighty degrees. “He nearly spilled the cup, I was just helping him —“

“I know.” Jackson’s businesslike tone instantly softens when he looks at Mark. “I just don’t like you touching other guys.”

Mark’s eyes melt, riveted on Jackson as they leave the pantry together, forgetting Jaebum. Jaebum swallows and dumps Jinyoung’s now-lukewarm coffee into the sink, then sighs and refills a fresh cup.

 

Privately, he knows how Jackson feels. He’s aware that insecurity is not an attractive quality, but even though Jinyoung is now his, Jaebum still can’t get rid of his lingering uneasiness completely. He still remembers with painful clarity the indescribable and unendurable feeling of unrequited love, an unreciprocated crush. He was hopelessly smitten from the first day, and hopelessly doomed.

In the first few months before he plucked up the courage to leave the umbrella on Jinyoung’s desk, Jaebum lay awake for countless nights, sleepless and wondering if Jinyoung would taste like the caramel macchiato he loved to drink if he kissed him. He never expected to ever find out. Worse, he had to deal with coming to terms with this revelation about his sexuality, which he had always thought was straight as an arrow. He couldn’t lie to himself, although he tried — that he didn’t have more than platonic feelings for another man, feelings of physical attraction. He wrestled with these unwanted feelings, tried to push them down and bury them but they always resurfaced like a tumour, like a cancer spreading helplessly in him.

Yes, that was how he saw them at first — cancerous feelings which would eventually lead him to certain agony and put his life at stake. It was absurd to be so dramatic about romantic feelings — even if they _were_ true love — one couldn’t die from love, could one?

And yet, that was how he felt when he thought of Jinyoung belonging to another person, Jinyoung who had no idea he existed and had never said half a word to him. Like dying.

He’d never felt like this about anybody in his life before, and it was terrifying. He had fallen so hard and fast that he hadn’t even had time to realise he was falling before he hit the ground sprawling.

He wanted to quit the job he had worked so hard for. He wanted to leave and never come back, walk out of this place and never have to see or think about Park Jinyoung and his devastating smile again.

And yet, somehow, he knew that wouldn’t allow him to escape these feelings one bit. Every time he went to Starbucks he unconsciously ordered a caramel macchiato, tentatively savouring it and pretending it was Jinyoung’s mouth he was tasting. Or perhaps his guess was wrong and Jinyoung would taste as clean and fresh as he looked, like spearmint and morning dew. When he first met Jinyoung, Jaebum automatically categorized him as the type he hated — clean-cut, wholesome, annoyingly put-together and poised in his sleek shiny loafers and pressed work shirt and slacks, not a hair out of place. Jaebum hated his deserving privileged aura, how everything came easily to him and people gravitated towards him. He hated how Jinyoung’s luxurious body looked effortlessly flawless in whatever outfit he was wearing on any given day. He hated Jinyoung’s unshadowed smile and his earnest naivety.

Yet, it was this very body he dreamed of pinning under him almost every night and woke up still seeing behind his eyelids, heart racing and throat parched. His underwear ruined, running late for work so constantly because of his need for a cold shower that he had to purposely start getting up earlier.

He could no longer deceive himself. He hated Jinyoung precisely because he loved him and couldn’t have him.

He hated Jinyoung for not belonging to him.

It was an intensity of emotion anyone would have tried to hide, because it would terrify anyone if they knew how strongly he felt beneath his unemotional and blank exterior. To protect himself, and buy himself time, he had to keep these feelings hidden.

 

The first time he laid eyes on Jinyoung was the first day of work, during orientation. The moment their supervisor called a break, the swarm of the rest of the colleagues parted to reveal a young man sitting quietly at a corner behind them, completely blind and deaf to the world as his eyes moved over the pages of a book. He pored over it laboriously, devouring it as if it were the most fascinating thing he had ever seen. He had the most interestingly-shaped, expressive and gentle eyes. They reminded Jaebum of a lamb’s. Everything about him gave a sense of pristinity — his serene, inward-gazing eyes, the casually perfect tousle of his hair and his crystal clear skin. That almost childlike boyishness, combined with the elegant sophistication of his statuesque grace, was a paradox. The book he was reading was the Korean version of _Catcher In The Rye_ , which Jaebum had read before.

He highly doubted he himself had looked so heartbreakingly handsome while he was reading it.

From then on, his eyes followed Jinyoung helplessly. They observed as Jinyoung mingled with the rest of their colleagues, exchanging friendly introductions and greetings, then was assigned to the desk opposite his. Jinyoung never noticed him staring — he was that oblivious, that clueless as to the attention he drew from others with his magnetic presence and runway model looks.

Even though he couldn’t be more different from Jinyoung, Jaebum also felt an affinity for him. He was struck, drawn, entranced by something indefinable about this good-looking and polite but seemingly unremarkable man. Inescapably, he felt an invisible, irresistible tug between them, something the other seemed not to be aware of.

In all other ways, they were from different worlds. Jinyoung was laid-back and sociable, easy smile always ready for colleagues and clients alike. He was unassuming and unaffected, and thus popular among both men and women. He was surrounded constantly by an ever-changing circle of people vying for his attention, women flirting with him, some of who had obvious crushes he was too dense to notice. He looked as good in a suit or a semi-formal work shirt or glasses or from afar as he did reading. He was perfect in every way other than emotional intelligence.

When he smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkled up sweetly in a way that made Jaebum’s heart feel like it had been gripped by a fist.

The possibility that he could be interested in Jaebum romantically was smaller than that of finding a needle in the ocean.

Jaebum decided that the only alternative he had was to kill these feelings. That was what men who felt inappropriately about other men did — they gave up. They trampled out the rogue feelings until no embers were left to reignite the dangerous flame. They took care of the feelings before they let it cross the threshold of their heart, much less their mouth. These nameless emotions were eradicated before they even left the unfortunate man’s body. And then he acted like he had just lost his mind for awhile, forgot about it, and went on with his life.

Such was protocol. The other option was too horrifying to even contemplate — possible humiliation, loss of reputation, exile from conservative mainstream society, permanent damage to his peaceful life. The possibility of seeing disgust and fear in the beautiful, kind eyes he loved.

It wasn’t just too great a risk to take — it was simply a risk with no hope of any payoff.

 

The day Mark arrived at the company, handsome and literate in English, effortlessly charming and immediately chummy with Jinyoung, Jaebum had discovered what real jealousy and possessiveness felt like for the first time. The urge to monopolise, to mark his territory and protect it from invasion was breathtaking. _Mine_ , he thought, panicking, all the muscles in his body tensed up. _Mine_. His immediate, knee-jerk reaction was to be spurred into action, an ember of unquashed hope flickering, jolted into the impulsive act of leaving his umbrella on Jinyoung’s table.

When he sat behind that wall numbly and heard Jinyoung crediting his action to none other than the newbie errand boy from America, flirting and laughing carelessly with another man, Jaebum felt a part of him dying. It was the only part of him that still had that flicker of hope. He walked away feeling a plunging bitterness, no longer hearing them or seeing anything. He walked mechanically to the restroom and stared at himself in the mirror after splashing water on his face. He looked funereal, like he had lost someone, the only person he ever loved. It was the greatest cosmic joke in the world that he had to sit a mere arm’s length away and listen to the love of his life who didn’t know he was the love of his life and who Jaebum had always thought was straight as an arrow, flirting coyly with another man.

He had resolved to throw away these feelings then, flush them down the toilet and never look back.

He couldn’t make a clean incision, though. He was weak and helpless against their tidal wave and he let himself get swept away again, against all his better judgment. It was almost obsession.

He told himself that he had already bought the birthday gift, some time earlier soon after he had seen Jinyoung reading the Korean translation and found out his birthday, and that it would be a waste if he didn’t give it to someone who could use it because he already had a copy of his own. He told himself it didn’t matter because Jinyoung had no idea who it was from and would never know; that it didn't mean anything -- if anything, it was just a goodbye gift, a final sentimental indulgence of his own.

Part of him knew that the very part that was so vehemently insisting that he no longer felt anything was the selfsame part that was still foolishly hoping. Truly, he was hopeless beyond salvation. He would be ruined by these feelings and he would deserve it.

 

But he couldn’t watch Jinyoung drive off from that company gathering plastered, together with the man Jaebum resented almost equally for taking what he had wanted. He wouldn’t be able to go on if anything happened to either of them. So he promised himself it was just a ride, one ride and he was just an impersonal chauffeur for twenty minutes, and then he would erase them both from his life.

But then Jinyoung had turned to him casually, before he got out of Jaebum’s car, and said the words that changed everything.

Even then — even then, he still had a series of obstacles to surmount, daunting barriers to confront. Even after he could ditch the angst and fully indulge in the joys of being a secret admirer to someone as wonderful to surprise as Jinyoung, he still didn’t feel confident. Even when Jinyoung told him he wanted to meet him, and didn’t mind his gender, he doubted endlessly. Jinyoung was somebody who could have anyone he wanted, man or woman. Why would he have any reason to accept and reciprocate stiff, pedantic, drab Jaebum?

On the day he agreed to meet Jinyoung personally, he walked into the office with his heart in his throat, ready to jump out. He had never felt more racked with nerves in his life, not at the company interview, or any of the examinations he had taken in school in his life. He was terrified to shed the mask he had been hiding behind, whose safety he took comfort in and which allowed him to become almost a different person — braver, more in command, more attractive. His secret identity was the better version of him, the one who walked in and took what he wanted fearlessly. But ultimately, it was just an illusion he cunningly created and the only person he had to present in the end was himself.

 

So at the initial phase of their relationship, Jaebum still finds himself clinging to the vestiges of his secret admirer identity, the power it has over Jinyoung. If his secret identity was Jinyoung’s ideal man, then Jaebum is the person who is closest to that ideal but still falls short. So he finds himself keeping up the constant stream of messages and notes and gifts, and the pleasure he gets from purely acting as a secret admirer is mingled inextricably with the insecurity of stopping it completely.

Jinyoung was amused and very pleased to receive six vermilion origami paper roses he personally folded for their first month anniversary, amused that Jaebum even remembered. (“Another Youtube tutorial?” “No better place to study romance.”) Jaebum just smiled and didn’t say that when one had been counting down the days so long, it was difficult not to remember how much time had passed since the miracle happened.

He’s still playing it cool, wary to reveal how deep his feelings really run — yes, Jinyoung knows Jaebum loves him, but does he know exactly how much? He can’t know that Jaebum still dreams of Jinyoung occasionally, and when he wakes up he feels like a new millionaire, someone who just struck the lottery — stunned with happiness and still half-believing, because for the first time reality outshines his dreams.

The person who loves more always has the disadvantage — so in their relationship, Jaebum doesn’t mind being that person. But is it possible to love _too_ much? To cross the point of the normal amount and for Jinyoung to be _too_ important to him? Does that make him unattractive and weird and creepy and clingy? Probably.

So he can’t be blamed for trying to hold on to the image of the mysterious, careless benefactor, who casually does Jinyoung these favours on the side of his very important life of which only a small part includes and is affected by Jinyoung.

 

He should have known, though, that he underestimated Jinyoung’s intelligence. The person Jaebum fell for and is head over heels with might be emotionally dense, but he’s far from psychologically unintelligent.

 _i checked the flower meaning for six roses_ , Jinyoung texts him. _Infatuation?_

Exactly. Jaebum might be hiding the depth of his feelings to protect himself, but he can’t completely disguise them from Jinyoung. The signs are there, if Jinyoung wants to uncover them. He would never deliberately hide anything, which he thinks is the bane of a relationship.

Jinyoung comes right out and asks him, curled up in Jaebum’s passenger seat facing him. He's wearing Jaebum's sweater over his work shirt, noose of his tie loosened and top button undone. He looks preppy and rumpled at the same time, cosy. He’s pulled the sleeves of the sweater down over his wrists and Jaebum is trying not to look at his sweater paws because every time he does he feels his whole body tighten with the urge to wrench Jinyoung into his arms and he’s driving.

“You know, I’m just confused about something.”

“What?” Jaebum glances over with a distracted smile. Jinyoung’s eyes are wise on his face and he shifts in his seat, keeping his own calm and on the road.

“It’s kind of strange, because a lot of the stuff you’ve done for me, from the time before I met you until now, seems really casual, offhand. But when I think about the effort you put into making it happen, the thought you must have put into the gestures, it hardly seems so effortless on your part. You’re trying to uphold the image of someone perfect and charming in every way without any flaws, who is emotionally invested in this relationship but not _too_ invested, but I can’t help feeling like there are more to your feelings than you let on.” He blushes, seeming embarrassed by what he’s saying. “Sometimes, the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking — it’s really intense. No one’s ever looked at me like that before.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Jaebum asks carefully.

Jinyoung shakes his head quickly. “No! It makes me feel loved, noticed. And you know I love being noticed.

“It’s just that — you’re always so careful. You’ve always been so reserved, not showing many emotions on your face. But the things you do contradict that. They’re calculated in a way that’s much deeper than you’ve expressed your feelings to me. Not calculating… but calculated. Painstaking. Like it means everything to you. Like I —” Jinyoung stops, seeming to realise himself.

Jaebum’s hands have unconsciously tensed on the wheel. Just like when Mark told him his emotions were obvious on his face, he hadn’t realised he’s been so transparent, like an open book to Jinyoung. He thought he’d disguised the depth of his feelings, like a swimming pool ten metres deep disguised as a kiddie pool of less than a metre. He feels thrown, afraid.

“It’s almost like…” Jinyoung continues his soliloquy, worrying the unraveling threads at the hem of his sweater, “You’re hiding how much you really feel, because you’re worried that if you show it to me I won’t be able to deal with it. And… that kinda hurts, because isn’t love trusting each other with the truth? You’re handling me with kid gloves and I know I shouldn’t be but sometimes your carefulness is frustrating.

“It’s like… you just assumed I couldn’t possibly feel the same way as you, and so you give me the edited version of your feelings. It’s a bit insulting. I guess I just wish you could let down your guard and be less cautious around me,” he finally finishes, sounding sheepish.

“How deep are your feelings for me?” Jaebum asks, carefully — again, he realises.

“Deeper than you know,” Jinyoung replies honestly, refusing to be tested.

Jaebum is reeling inwardly because with a few choice statements, Jinyoung hit the nail on the head. Jaebum has never dated anybody as smart as him, not even close, and although Jinyoung’s intelligence and sharpness is what he finds the most attractive and sexiest about him it can be a double-edged sword. Jaebum feels like a cornered animal, his feelings exposed and stripped bare, with nowhere to hide. Like snails can’t survive in the open without their shell and would shrivel up, especially if salt is thrown on them, Jaebum feels threatened, unsafe without the smokescreens and nonchalance he hides behind. Yes, he’s deliberately reticent and inexpressive — but that’s because he’s protecting himself, still secretly fearful that if he lets Jinyoung catch a glimpse of those dizzying depths, he’ll be so shocked and frightened by Jaebum’s ardour he’ll run away and never come back.

Also, he’s an aloof person by nature, not used to expressing himself verbally or facially, and what Jinyoung’s asking of him — to face him open and upfront, completely frank; wear his heart on his sleeve — Jaebum isn’t sure he’s capable of it.

But it’s the first time Jinyoung has revealed so much of himself and his thoughts too, spoken up so honestly, and Jaebum doesn’t want to disregard his heart or ignore what he said too. He’s tried so long to be perfect for Jinyoung — to be what he needed Jaebum to be — but can it be true that he was still preserving a part of himself, actually really being what he himself needed to be, selfishly?

He ventures another look over at Jinyoung facing him slightly in his seat, his eyes glimmering at Jaebum in the dim of the night. He looks enigmatic, inscrutable in a way that makes Jaebum’s heart leap. Can it be possible that he’s shortchanged Jinyoung’s feelings, that he could feel as intensely for Jaebum as Jaebum does for him?

He’s arrived at Jinyoung’s apartment building. Jaebum pulls the brake back and smiles at him. “We’re here.”

“You haven’t answered me.” Jinyoung looks disappointed.

“I… don’t know what to say.”

Jinyoung bites his lip. “Just tell me if it’s true.”

Jaebum nods slowly, shifting his eyes to look out of the windshield. “Yes, you’re very perceptive.” Disturbingly so, he refrains from adding. No matter what he says, Jinyoung’s not ready for that kind of honesty.

 

When he turns back, Jinyoung is yawning, kitten-like, bringing his sweatered hand up to stifle his mouth. He innocently lifts it to rub one eye, looking tired. Jaebum can’t help it; he leans over and places his hand over the back of Jinyoung’s head, kissing his forehead lightly. Jinyoung’s fist falls from between their faces slowly, his eyes moving up to meet Jaebum’s. He reaches out needily so Jaebum awkwardly wraps his arm around his back and embraces him over the stick shift.

“Do you want to come up for coffee or something?”

“No… not today. You look tired. You should get some rest.” Jaebum’s concern unintentionally comes out sounding like a father. Truth is, he doesn’t trust himself alone with Jinyoung wearing his sweater in his apartment. He also needs some time alone after the bombshells Jinyoung just dropped, to regroup and reevaluate his plans. Then he realises that he’s still scheming — to present himself a certain way, exactly what Jinyoung was saying. His feelings feel convoluted and messy, impossible to pin down.

Also, Jinyoung looks way too dangerously fuckable in that damn sweater of his he’d never given a second thought to but looks like a million bucks on his boyfriend, like everything does. Jaebum wants to inhale him whole. Could Jinyoung deal with that kind of honesty?

“All right,” Jinyoung surprises him out of his stupor by saying as he pulls open the car handle and swings a leg out. “I won’t force you to come up, if you don’t want to.”

Jaebum can’t tell if he’s displeased. Jinyoung is usually good-tempered, so probably not. He can’t be as shaken up as Jaebum.

“Bye,” Jaebum says to his retreating back as the sound of his door closing echoes in the empty apartment foyer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if possible, I would really appreciate honest opinions on how jaebum’s pov sounds to a reader, and if its different from the previous 4 chapters! Personally I thought it turned out kinda more angsty and overthinking than my original characterisation, but I’m too close as a writer to be able to see this in an objective way. I’m not seeking reassurance I genuinely want to know how his narrative sounds to readers so I can make improvements to make it more convincing in the next chapter haha. thank you!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you SO MUCH to everybody who commented on the previous chapter with your honest opinions and so much encouragement, I've never felt so loved before ;~; in particular, I wanted to mention veritably and earlgreys whose comments really helped me get the hang of writing the last chapter, and my new soulmate (you know who you are ;)) but in more ways than one, I would never have finished this fic so satisfactorily without my writing support squad, which I consider to include every single commenter who has commented at least once on any chapter, all the silent and vocal readers who were following updates during my writing process, and the regular commenters who constantly commented on nearly every chapter with their thoughts and motivation. the warmth you've nourished me with is truly squad goals in my definition ;w; if every writer had a cheering squad as amazing as this behind them, they would all be as blessed and lucky as me. thank you for making the experience of writing this fic irreplaceable to me because of the people I met and who reached out to me :))

When Jaebum arrives at Jinyoung’s apartment lobby to pick him up for work the next morning, he has a conciliatory gesture and another surprise prepared for Jinyoung to smoothen any possible lingering tension from the night before. But Jinyoung is running late, looking frazzled and less immaculate than he usually does. He rakes a hand through his hair and spends the whole car ride flipping tensely through a sheaf of documents. When Jaebum asks if he can help, Jinyoung just replies distractedly, “No, thanks. I have a meeting with an important client today and I’m just going through my notes one last time.”

Jaebum obligingly gives him silence for the rest of the ride, trying to drive as smoothly over the bumps on the road as possible. When they arrive, Jinyoung sighs and gathers up his files, shoving them into his briefcase. He smiles half-heartedly when Jaebum looks around the carpark before picking up his right hand and kissing the knuckles lightly.

“I’m going to run to Starbucks to grab you a caramel macchiato; you can go up to the office first. Want anything else to eat with that?” Jaebum has a feeling Jinyoung skipped breakfast.

Jinyoung’s smile widens at his words, his dimples appearing. “That’s okay, hyung. I don’t really feel like eating right now. It’s the nerves. But make that a Venti caramel macchiato.” He gives Jaebum’s hand a friendly squeeze before they get out of the car and head for the lift lobby before parting ways at the office lobby.

 

Jaebum has always kept an eye out for Jinyoung’s activities around the office, even before they started dating. So he has a vague idea of which clients are under Jinyoung’s charge, and glances towards the meeting room every time Jinyoung is holding a presentation or discussion with a client. He smiles to see Jinyoung through the glass walls, looking earnest and enthusiastic as he outlines the material he has prepared to show the client, who looks as sold on it as Jaebum feels.

Today, though, things don’t seem to be going as well as usual, despite Jinyoung’s anxious preparations. Even from the distance of his seat, Jaebum can’t help noticing that the client has a decidedly displeased look on his face, which grows slightly darker as Jinyoung continues talking valiantly. Jinyoung has also noticed it, trying to be professional and not let his smile and chipper gesticulating flag despite the forbidding-looking response of the suit sitting at the table watching him silently.

Jaebum feels a flare of anger — he doesn’t know if this asshole woke up on the wrong side of bed, or is bringing his personal problems and emotions to work, or what; but he does know that Jinyoung is always unfailingly professional and hardworking and always delivers top-notch results. Knowing as he does that Jinyoung stayed up late slaving over this presentation and must feel dismayed that it’s not looking good, Jaebum can’t help being biased and feeling unfair for him.

As expected, Jinyoung and the client emerge after a shorter time than usual with the air between them obviously stilted. Jinyoung is hanging his head, his laptop and documents still in the room on the table. He looks defeated and tired, while the client looks stony-faced and dissatisfied. Jaebum hopes Jackson isn’t watching this too because he doesn’t want Jinyoung to get into trouble with their superior in addition to this. Jinyoung and the client shake hands stiffly, then the client strides out of the office without saying a word. Jaebum sees Jinyoung watching him leave despairingly, then clench his jaw and pivot to head back into the room, gathering up his stuff and shutting his laptop with jerky movements.

 

Jinyoung apologises that he’s busy when Jaebum goes to wait at his desk to go for lunch together, so Jaebum tries not to feel disappointed and goes down to the deli where Jinyoung had told him to just take-out a sandwich for him. He buys another one for himself, a healthy smoothie for Jinyoung to perk up his energy, and then returns to the office to eat together with him in silence. No one else is around, the quiet unbroken except for Jinyoung’s fingers pounding too quickly for him to follow over the keys of his computer. Jaebum wishes he could help in some way; take over that difficult client altogether. He would put him in his place immediately and take no bullshit. The problem is that Jinyoung is too nice, doesn’t know how to be hard when needed.

He’s relieved when the day is over and Jinyoung finally stops working mulishly like he’s trying to overcompensate. Jaebum is determined to find some way to ensure that he will not continue working for today when he reaches home. In his car, Jinyoung is silent, still brooding, Jaebum knows, over the day. He finally breaks the hush by awkwardly trying to comfort Jinyoung. He offers again to help Jinyoung meet the client’s requirements, or brainstorm to fix whatever he was unsatisfied with. It’s just one setback, normal for everybody, but Jaebum knows Jinyoung holds himself to high expectations. Jinyoung smiles gratefully at him, gives him a cheek kiss at a traffic light and says he’s been an absolutely perfect boyfriend today. It’s enough for Jaebum to soar up to seventh heaven.

Their job is no walk in the park, a lot of groundwork and networking, Jaebum knows, but Jinyoung seems to be stressed by more than the incident today. On the rest of the way back he’d admitted to Jaebum that the client seemed to be taking out his personal emotions on Jinyoung’s work, but he hadn’t had the energy to fight back and point out how he was being wronged.

“I don’t know,” Jinyoung smiles weakly, trying to laugh it off. “I guess I’m just tired. I didn’t get enough beauty sleep last night.”

Jinyoung still looks beautiful as ever, but Jaebum doesn’t like when he’s not his usual peppy, sassy self. “Could you stop by the pharmacy on the way?” Jinyoung touches his shoulder. “I want to get some sleeping pills. I’m going to sleep it all out tonight.” He stretches in anticipation.

On impulse, Jaebum blurts out, “Do you want to spend the night at mine instead? I have sleeping pills.” They’ve been dating for a short time now, but Jinyoung has never been to his apartment. This is the first time Jaebum’s inviting him.

He thought Jinyoung would be more enthusiastic than this, considering how many times he’s invited Jaebum up to his house. So he’s slightly disappointed to see him hesitate and not answer immediately. Jaebum affects nonchalance, looking at the road. “I don’t like the thought of you in drug-induced slumber alone at home. What if someone breaks in, or there’s a fire, or —“

“Hyung,” Jinyoung chides him, laughing for the first time that day. His infectious laugh makes Jaebum smile too. “You’re ridiculous. Sleeping pills aren’t _that_ strong. And I’m just taking one.”

“Still —“

“I’ll come,” Jinyoung interrupts, smiling broadly when Jaebum looks over. Jaebum’s hands tremble on the wheel. “Are we sleeping together in your bed, or… do you have a guest room?” He lowers his head, pink dusting his cheekbones.

Jaebum clears his throat, heart seizing at Jinyoung’s bold question. “I’ll take the couch,” he stammers.

It’s not like he’s a prude. He just doesn’t want to take the risk of them in a bed, probably kissing and hugging and exploring each other’s bodies, leading to something more, when Jinyoung needs his rest tonight. And it would be even more frustrating if Jinyoung passed out from the medication in the middle of something, and left him hanging. To be safe, they shouldn’t start anything tonight and concentrate on resting Jinyoung up.

 

Jinyoung exclaims in adoration and surprise when he sees the three cats waiting for them in Jaebum’s apartment.

“You never told me you had three cats!” He turns accusingly on Jaebum, frowning.

Jaebum cringes. “Sorry… but only Nora is mine. I’m cat-sitting Kunta and Odd for a neighbour.”

He expects Jinyoung to ask which are which, but instead Jinyoung narrows his eyes. “Male or female?”

“Huh?”

“Your fellow cat-lover.”

“Er, umm… female,” Jaebum replies lamely.

“She likes you, right?” Jinyoung says knowingly, watching his reaction.

“No!” Jaebum blushes hotly. “I mean, she’s never confessed to me? And even if she did, it doesn’t matter because I’m not interested.” He shoots Jinyoung a look, hoping he’ll drop the matter.

“Mr Popular,” Jinyoung huffs, but doesn’t press it. He throws himself down onto Jaebum’s couch, looking around. “I must say your apartment isn’t exactly what I expected.”

“Really?” Jaebum’s heart skips a beat as he joins Jinyoung on the couch, a respectable distance away. There’s lots of space and no necessity to squeeze together. “How so?”

“It’s…” Jinyoung surveys his surroundings appreciatively again. “More minimalistic and stylish. I like the colour scheme.”

Jaebum’s chest glows. He tries not to let his pride show on his face and watches Jinyoung tickling Kunta and Odd in a heap on his lap. His neighbour’s cats seem immediately smitten with Jinyoung, just like he was. But then even Nora escapes from his clutches and deserts him to leap onto Jinyoung’s neck and wrap around him like a scarf, seeming like she wants in on the cuddle party. Jaebum feels a pang of startling green-eyed jealousy.

Not of his cats, but Jinyoung. After all, he’s been the one who has been feeding Kunta and Odd this past week, and rearing Nora her whole life! How can they abandon him for a newer, better-looking model the moment he walks in?

But not wanting Jinyoung to laugh at and tease him and call him a cat lady, Jaebum prises the two cats out of Jinyoung's arms and sets them on the couch behind him. Nora yowls at his stern look and jumps off Jinyoung’s shoulders, stalking away with her tail raised.

“Let’s go have dinner so you can sleep right after.”

Successfully distracted, Jinyoung grins and cocks his head. He seems to be no longer dwelling on the day at work and Jaebum is glad. “Are you going to cook for me, Jaebum-ssi?”

Jaebum blushes, not just at Jinyoung addressing him formally for the first time, but also the way he’s absently loosening the noose of his tie as he probably does upon getting back to his own apartment every day after work, unseen by anybody else. How could such a sight nobody sees look so hot? Jinyoung rolls the cuffs of his sleeves up to reveal thick upper arms, a classy-looking metal watch around his wrist. The sight of his large hands reminds Jaebum of how capably he handles everything, works and reads and lives.

Jinyoung is waiting expectantly for his answer, so he quickly coughs and says, “I have a couple of microwave dinners in my fridge. I’ll just pop them in and we can eat in a few minutes.”

Jinyoung nods, but clicks his tongue. “Do you eat those often? You should really let me go grocery shopping for you, Im Jaebum.”

Jaebum’s mind races at the domestic implications of Jinyoung’s casual statement. Next, Jinyoung will be offering to do all his wifely tasks for him. And even — Jaebum gulps — moving in?

 

After dinner, Jinyoung takes a quick shower and walks out of Jaebum’s bathroom towelling his hair dry in a cloud of steam and one of Jaebum’s ratty oversized shirts, and sweatpants. Jaebum fights the urge to tackle him down because Jinyoung looks and smells so good, his damp hair shiny and face scrubbed and flushed. Jinyoung looks at him shyly. “Do you have a blow dryer?”

Jaebum fetches it and sits behind Jinyoung on his bed, helping him to gently blow dry his locks. He indulges in the excuse to run his fingers repeatedly through Jinyoung’s startlingly soft hair, the fragrance of Jaebum’s shampoo wafting faintly from the strands. It’s breathtakingly intimate, Jinyoung sitting on his bed vulnerable and swimming in his clothes and the scent of his shampoo with Jaebum’s fingers in his hair. Jaebum can’t miss the moment — he hesitantly turns Jinyoung around with his hands on his shoulders after he finishes and kisses him, deep and shaking.

“Wow,” Jinyoung gasps when he breaks away, face a shade redder. “That was —“ He shakes his head, fingers still curled in Jaebum’s rumpled work shirt. Jaebum can only imagine how disheveled he looks — he hasn’t even taken a shower.

“You should sleep now,” he says abruptly, suddenly aware of his own body and heart trying to escape his chest. He sounds more brusque than he intended, so he softens his voice and says, “Lie down. I’ll get the sleeping pill.”

“Oh.” Jinyoung’s fingers slacken on his shirt. “Okay.” He looks confused, but obediently scoots back on the bed and gingerly lays back on Jaebum’s pillows. Jaebum gets up and leans over him to pull the bedspread back, unintentionally looming over Jinyoung. He catches the fading flush on Jinyoung’s cheeks rising again, his eyes stricken as he looks up into Jaebum’s eyes, seeming to reach out for him although his hands are by his sides.

Jaebum carefully pulls his hands back from their position bracketing Jinyoung’s shoulders after he tucks the bedspread to cover up to his neck.

“Is that okay? Are you too cold? Too warm?” He fiddles with the air-conditioner remote.

“I’m fine.” Jinyoung’s eyelashes flutter, looking drowsy. Jaebum reaches down to brush his bangs off his forehead, hopelessly endeared. Then he stops himself and goes to the medicine cabinet to get the sleeping pill, filling a glass of water too.

He sits down beside Jinyoung when he gets back, making the bed dip. Jinyoung lets his hand creep out from beneath the covers and tugs childishly at Jaebum’s shirttails, which have come untucked.

“Stay till I fall asleep?” Jinyoung’s soft sentence tapers into a yawn. He looks like he could be Jaebum’s fourth cat.

“Of course.” Jaebum feeds Jinyoung the pill, his fingers grazing Jinyoung’s lips for a second, then Jinyoung’s fingers wrap around his on the glass as he sips. After that, he gazes at Jinyoung as he drifts into dreamland, happy to have the excuse to do so openly. He finds his hand wandering up, unbidden, to touch Jinyoung’s wonderfully soft hair again. Jinyoung seems to like it, arching into his touch, so he continues, stroking and playing with Jinyoung’s hair, admiring the slope of his nose and the definition of his features as he falls asleep.

 

Jaebum springs his surprise the next day on their journey to work, asking Jinyoung out on Valentine’s day, which is a few days away. Jaebum asks him to leave his day empty for him because he’s taking Jinyoung to a carnival at an amusement park. He doesn’t mind revealing it early because Jinyoung doesn’t know he has another surprise planned for that day. Of course, it’s a gift of Coelho’s book they had talked about on the day they started dating. Jaebum immediately went and bought it and it has been sitting gift-wrapped with a sweet handwritten note in his bedside drawer ever since. He even wrote the date and their names in an inscription on the inside cover.

It seems like unconsciously, it’s become their tradition to gift books to each other on special occasions. On his birthday, Jinyoung gave him _Birthday Stories_ edited by Haruki Murakami, upon finding out his literary tastes and favourite authors.

On Valentine’s day, Jaebum goes to pick Jinyoung up and finds him already waiting at his apartment lobby wearing a pink sweater and a ditzy grin. Apparently Jinyoung looks good in all sweaters — not only his. He’s dressed simply in denim jeans and casual sneakers and looks like a trillion bucks. Also younger than he does in officewear, in a way that makes Jaebum want to protect him.

Jinyoung throws his arms around him warmly the moment he slides into the passenger seat, bringing the scent of his cologne with him. Jaebum is overwhelmed by his ardour, seeming to be unafraid of his neighbours or the security guard of his apartment noticing. “Happy V-Day,” Jinyoung giggles into his ear, kissing the earring he’s noticed Jaebum is wearing today too.

Jaebum is surprised to be surprised by Jinyoung instead, when Jinyoung doesn’t miss a beat after receiving his gift in the parking lot of the amusement park and winks, whipping out a small box of his own from his pocket. Jaebum hadn’t even noticed the bulge when he got in.

“Open it.” Jinyoung leans closer, eyes sparkling eagerly.

Jaebum finds a heavy, long chainlink necklace with an adorable golden crown pendant on it. “Get it? Because you’re my prince,” Jinyoung enthuses, exuberant.

“I love it.” Jaebum immediately puts it on breathlessly. Jinyoung surveys how it looks against his all-black outfit of jacket over plain tee and slim-cut jeans. Oops, maybe he should have dressed more festively like Jinyoung.

“You look really hot,” Jinyoung says in a husky voice, making him nearly jump out of his skin. He doesn’t know if Jinyoung is kidding or saying it because he’s wearing his gift, but his stomach flips over anyhow.

“T-thanks,” he stammers, feeling his face grow hot, and Jinyoung laughs.

 

Jinyoung catches up with him and takes his hand casually as they enter the carnival, the already decent crowd despite the early hour allowing them to blend in. Jaebum smiles and interlocks their fingers together.

“What do you want to do first?” The array of games and rides and booths is dizzying. “You haven’t eaten, right?”

Jinyoung points decisively at the cotton candy booth, where a clown is rolling out huge clouds of pastel pink candy for a few children bouncing on the balls of their feet.

“Cotton candy for breakfast?” Jaebum lifts an eyebrow, making Jinyoung titter and nod.

“Your wish is my command, your majesty.”

Somehow, they mange to finish the entire enormous cloud between them. It helps that it mostly tastes as light as air and goes down easily. When Jinyoung is done, his lips are tinted a delicious sugary pink.

“Can I kiss you?” Jaebum asks hoarsely.

He hears Jinyoung’s breath hitch as he nods, eyes shimmering. He tastes like cotton candy.

They go on a few rides, including the roller coaster and to the haunted house where Jinyoung shrieks at every passing ghost and takes the opportunity of the dark to cling to Jaebum like a koala to a tree. Jaebum holds his quivering body and presses his nose into Jinyoung’s neck, inhaling deeply.

As the afternoon deepens, Jinyoung drags Jaebum into a candid photobooth they pass.

“I always wanted to take one of these photo stickers with my lover.”

Jaebum doesn’t really like taking impromptu pictures — he doesn’t know how to pose and feels awkward, but Jinyoung looks so excited he can’t bear to say no. So they feed the machine money and then Jinyoung drapes himself over him like Nora in different poses as Jaebum just stands there smiling awkwardly and trying not to look stiff while controlling his alarmed expression every time Jinyoung grabs his body. He wouldn’t want it to be captured on camera — that look Jinyoung says he sometimes catches when Jaebum thinks he isn’t looking.

After that, they decorate the pictures with stickers and emojis and banners. Jinyoung pencils on the date in sparkly pen, and giggles as he plunks a crown on Jaebum’s head and scrawls _My Prince_ on one sticker with an arrow pointing to Jaebum’s cringing smile.

In most of them, he looks overwhelmed by Jinyoung, bedazzled by him. However, at one photo, Jaebum stops. Even in the minuscule thumbnail of Jinyoung’s face, Jaebum can see how furiously he’s blushing, the only photo among the set where he lost his composure. It was when Jaebum had been overtaken by a brazen impulse and grabbed Jinyoung around the waist, kissing him briefly on the cheek before he let go. Jinyoung had stopped capering around for a moment, silenced by his sudden move. He had thought they were between takes — hadn’t know the machine had snapped another picture at that very moment.

Now, he’s the one blushing hotly, unable to even look at the picture, the most revealing of his lovelorn expressions immortalised on film. Jaebum wants to destroy the picture with the same intensity as he wants to frame it up and stare at it forever.

 

“See? It wasn’t so bad being spontaneous for once, right?”

They’re back in Jaebum’s car, heading home from the candlelight dinner for two at a Japanese restaurant he had reserved a table at, feeling weightless from adrenaline and sake, and Jinyoung is beaming expectantly at him. He’s wearing an incredibly childish and incredibly gorgeous temporary tattoo of Jaebum’s name in a heart on the back of his hand. Jaebum had tried to persuade him not to do it but Jinyoung reassured him that it could be washed off by the time he arrived at work tomorrow.

“Today was fun,” Jaebum admits, looking over at him fondly. Jinyoung is always so effervescent, bubbling over with it that one can’t help being excited when around him.

Jinyoung seems satisfied with his answer, nearly climbing over the gearshift when Jaebum pulls over at a secluded couple spot off a side road and almost half in Jaebum’s lap.

“You seem… passionate today,” Jaebum observes, breathless when he comes up for air from Jinyoung’s insistent lips. His hands are locked around Jaebum’s shoulders and Jaebum’s back and head are pressed up against his seat, his arms grappling to hold Jinyoung’s nubile body and running up and down his back.

Jinyoung pouts. “I’m just trying to be romantic. Did I tell you I saw Jackson and Mark hyung kissing in the office elevator a few days ago?”

“No, how did you even see that?” Jaebum sputters.

“I was waiting for the lift, and when the doors opened they were still kissing! And they didn’t even get out, the shameless pair. They stayed inside while I traveled down, giggling behind me and then took the lift back up again when I got out at the lobby. I turned around and saw them in the lift going up, literally sucking each other’s faces off again! God! Don’t they know the lift is transparent and everyone in the lobby could see them?”

Despite Jinyoung’s tirade, he somehow looks envious as he recounts this. As if… he wished such a thing would happen to him too.

Jaebum gulps. There’s no way he’s going to kiss Jinyoung in the elevator, or anywhere in the office. Well, maybe a cubicle in the bathroom, if that’s Jinyoung’s thing, but — nowhere in public in or near their workplace. Jackson is the boss and can do whatever he wants, but Jaebum and Jinyoung are just small fries.

“I know,” Jinyoung sighs, when Jaebum explains to him why they can’t indulge in such silly pleasures, trying to be more transparent about his feelings as Jinyoung had expressed he wished Jaebum would be. “But I just wish we could do something special like that, you know? Romantic.” His eyes look starry.

“I mean, today was plenty romantic,” he quickly adds, as if worried Jaebum will feel inadequate.

“It’s okay, I understand what you mean.” Jaebum smiles. “What else would you like to do today?” Valentine’s day isn’t yet over, and Jaebum wants to grant all of Jinyoung’s wishes.

“Well…” Jinyoung twiddles his fingers, looking coyly up at him through his eyelashes. “Actually… I’ve been wanting to visit your home again.”

“My apartment?” Jaebum gapes. Jinyoung nods, looking hopeful.

“You mean… to stay over?” For all he had planned to surprise Jinyoung on Valentine’s day, Jaebum hadn’t planned this.

Jinyoung seems mollified at the look on his face. “No, no… maybe I could just pop in for awhile? I could take a cab home myself after that; you don’t have to drive me.

“I miss your cats,” he adds, and Jaebum nearly laughs.

“They miss you too.”

“Is that a yes? Yay!” Jinyoung nearly knocks Jaebum's glasses askew scrambling back onto his seat in his excitement. “Let’s go!”

Yes, tomorrow is a working day so they should probably hurry. Jaebum doesn’t want Jinyoung cabbing back too late alone either.

 

Jaebum shrugs off his jacket and goes to the kitchen to throw together some refreshments and drinks for Jinyoung when they enter his apartment. Jinyoung already knows where all the light switches are and navigates his way to the living room comfortably.

“Make yourself at home,” Jaebum calls, smiling to himself. He’s suddenly glad Jinyoung had pushed to come here because it would have been anticlimactic and felt more lonely than usual returning to his empty, dark apartment after such a boisterous and colourful day.

He nearly drops the tray he’s holding when he walks out to see Jinyoung has made himself very at home indeed. Somehow, in the time Jaebum was in the kitchen, he’d snuck into his room and whipped off his sweater, pulling on one of Jaebum’s work shirts. It’s only buttoned halfway up his chest, either because he didn’t have time to finish or on purpose. Now, he’s sprawled lazily on Jaebum’s couch, Jaebum’s throw pillow on his lap and looking innocent.

Jaebum sets the tray down shakily on the coffee table, trying not to let his eyes stray from Jinyoung’s face down to his exposed chest. “Why are you wearing my shirt?”

Jinyoung smiles and grabs one of the cookies on the plate, letting his tongue slip out of his mouth to lick it before taking a bite. “Hmm? I just wanted to play dress up in your clothes. Is that okay?”

Jaebum sits down heavily; Jinyoung knows he won’t get angry over that. Jinyoung takes another bite and crumbs scatter over his bare chest. “Oops. Can you get that for me?”

“What?”

“Your shirt’s dirty.” Jinyoung puts the cookie back down and uncoils his lithe body, starting to unbutton the remaining buttons of Jaebum’s shirt. “I need to take it off.”

“No!” Jaebum says so loudly that Jinyoung stops and looks up at him, smile frozen.

“I’m tired,” Jaebum blurts out, pulling another throw pillow over his lap and shifting uncomfortably because he isn’t sure his crotch region is completely unaffected right now. God damn, how could it be with Jinyoung practically starting a strip tease in his clothes in front of him? “We have work tomorrow. Maybe you should go.”

As always, when he’s flustered, he hides it behind woodenness.

He doesn’t even have to look at Jinyoung again to see the hurt in his voice. “Okay,” he says softly. “Sorry.”

Jaebum hates himself. Did he just singlehandedly ruin their amazing day?

But he just continues sitting there with the pillow in his lap, helplessly paralysed, as Jinyoung gets up and goes to the restroom to change back into his sweater. He hears the door of his room creak and can picture Jinyoung folding his shirt back up carefully and laying it at the foot of his bed. He closes his eyes and fights back the urge to walk into his room and back Jinyoung up against his bed, push him down and not let him leave tonight.

Jinyoung pauses on his way to the door to bend and pet Nora. “Your owner is cold,” he hears Jinyoung say, in his usual sarcastic tone. He’s probably joking to set Jaebum at ease, but Jaebum just feels worse.

“See you tomorrow, hyung,” Jinyoung says, at least, before slipping out of the door.

Jaebum’s heart loosens in relief. “Good night, Jinyoungie.”

 

Somehow, word has gotten around the office of how soft and weak Jackson is for Mark, putty in his hands. Jaebum isn’t surprised, after what Jinyoung told him about how careless they’re being around the company, plus Jackson’s public announcement of how much Mark means to him. Now, his rash action seems to be coming back to haunt him as after the day Mark rescued Jaebum, more of their other colleagues start hiding behind him whenever Jackson summons them to his office to tick them off for making another mistake at work. If not, they name-drop Mark subtly, knowing that Jackson’s face will change at his name and even if he doesn’t cut them some slack on account of their friendship with Mark, he will be too embarrassed to reprimand them any further and dismiss them.

One morning, there’s a collective gasp as they start work and log into their work emails to see a mass message from Jackson.

_I REALLY REGRET ANNOUNCING OUR RELATIONSHIP PUBLICLY! YOU’RE ALL FIRED!_

Part of the reason they’re stunned is because it doesn’t sound like Jackson’s usual calm and professional tone, more like a prank as they know their superior sometimes mischievously plays on April Fools. Today isn’t April Fools, but it’s not really believable that Jackson has the authority to fire all of them in one shot, and with a dubious email like this.

Still, not knowing how to react, they dispatch Mark to his office to find out what he means. Incidentally, Mark is the only one who didn’t receive the email.

Mark enters Jackson’s office, but this time he doesn’t close the blinds and door. Trying to look like he’s not eavesdropping like the rest of their colleagues, Jaebum pretends to be typing something on his keyboard as he hears the sound of their conversation filter faintly out of the room. He can’t distinguish most of the words, but when Mark raises his voice at the end, Jaebum thinks he hears a “Please, Sir!”

He hears a muffled chortle from behind the divider, and bites his lip at Jinyoung’s adorable noise. He has the feeling Jinyoung is grinning at his own divider, on his side of the wall too, unable to feel worried about really being fired when Jackson is so plainly wrapped around Mark’s little finger. Jaebum kind of empathises, because he knows the feeling of Jinyoung being his Achilles’ heel.

Sure enough, soon after Mark leaves Jackson’s office shooting them the okay sign with his fingers, all of them get another mass email, sounding sheepish and mollified.

_That was a joke. But it won’t be if you continue to use Mark’s name to worm your way out of your responsibilities! And RESPECT YOUR SUPERIOR!_

 

At lunch, they go for a double date they arranged with Mark and Jackson a few days ago. Specifically, Jinyoung and Mark arranged it, and persuaded Jaebum and Jackson to agree. Jaebum doesn’t know why Jackson agreed, after their last awkward encounter, but he realises why when the moment they arrive at the carpark Jackson starts trying to show him up and look generous and expansive at Jaebum’s expense.

First, he proposes that they all take his car because it’s big enough for all of them — implicitly implying that Jaebum’s isn’t, which isn’t true. Jaebum says so, and Jackson looks irritated. Jinyoung quickly diffuses the tension by proposing that they take both cars and meet at the restaurant.

Then they have another clash of egos — because apparently there was a miscommunication and both Jackson and Jaebum reserved tables at different restaurants. Jackson seems to assume that since he’s the boss, there’s no argument they’ll take his reservation, which he boasts that they have to wait six months for if not for his name. Jaebum is unwilling to back down so easily, as he knows Jinyoung likes the restaurant he reserved and deliberately chose it.

Jinyoung places a hand on his chest and placatingly says that of course they’ll go to Mr Wang’s restaurant, they can go to Jaebum’s choice the next time, and Mark laughs and agrees. So it seems that’s decided.

Jaebum tries not to take it too personally, especially because Jinyoung slides his hand down his thigh the moment they sit down, making Jaebum’s whole body respond and clench up. For the rest of the meal, they are content to fade into the background, watching Jackson show off for Mark, gazing at him like the sun rises and sets behind his back, even laughing at all of Mark’s cold jokes no one else laughs at.

When Mark can’t decide between two desserts, Jackson magnanimously orders both in a flamboyant gesture of extravagance. He seems to have forgotten Jaebum and Jinyoung are sitting at the table too, and coos to Mark in a sappy voice, “Open your mouth, baby.”

Mark covers his mouth after eating the spoonful Jackson flies like an airplane in, seeming embarrassed himself and shooting Jaebum and Jinyoung’s raised eyebrows a sheepish smile. He’s blushing while Jackson has his usual cocky grin draped laconically over his face, seeming unperturbed.

 

In Jaebum’s car on the way back to the office — Jackson had insisted on paying the entire shocking bill, pointing out that Jaebum probably wouldn’t have money to live on for the rest of the month if he paid even half; which was true but unnecessary for him to spell out — they snidely discuss what present to give their superior for his birthday to finally make him blush and embarrass the unembarrassable man. Jaebum feels a little better that Jinyoung finds him amusing instead of attractive, which he had privately felt disgruntled over on the occasions Jinyoung praised Jackson before for being romantic — when he made his declaration and kissed Mark in the elevator. Jaebum knows Jinyoung has never once compared him and Jackson, but he can’t help comparing himself with his superior, who is already more powerful than him on the basis of his rank.

He imagines being Jinyoung’s superior, having him at his disposal, his beck and call — but then stops because he can’t imagine that. Even if he could, he has a feeling he’d still prefer this workplace romance between colleagues, being on equal level with Jinyoung and able to freely interact with him.

Trying hard to impress Jinyoung, Jaebum eventually comes up with a brilliant idea. “How about we give them a copy of 50 Shades Of Grey, replacing the characters’ names with Mark and Jackson?”

Jinyoung cracks up so hard, he’s almost wiping tears from his eyes. “You’re a genius. Especially since it’s so obvious Jackson loves when Mark calls him Mr Wang.”

Jaebum glows with pride at Jinyoung finding him funny. On impulse, and on the topic of books, he asks, “Do you want to go shopping with me and help me pick out a bookshelf this weekend?” He had been fumbling to find an excuse to ask Jinyoung out on Saturday, and this is perfect.

Jinyoung’s mouth falls open. “You need a new bookshelf?”

Jaebum smiles. “Yes, I have too many books.”

They make plans to go furniture shopping that weekend, and Jaebum already knows it’s going to be an amazing date, because all of their dates are incredible.

 

Jaebum didn’t expect Jinyoung to mean it, but in a startlingly considerate gesture, Jinyoung actually asks Mark and Jackson out on another double date to the restaurant Jaebum picked out earlier.

After the pleasant dinner date -- which Jaebum paid for this time -- they stop by at a bar for a few drinks. Somehow, they get embroiled in a game of spin the bottle which either Jackson or Mark suggested. Every time the bottle lands on someone, they get asked, “Truth or dare?” Mark and Jackson keep picking truth, and firing uncomfortably personal questions at each other before Jaebum and Jinyoung can get a word in.

Soon, somehow, Jaebum and Jinyoung get booted out of the game, disqualified by Jackson, and Jackson and Mark continue playing alone. The game has somehow morphed into a contest between them of which one likes the other more. Jaebum and Jinyoung can’t keep up with the way they’re tallying points, but because they just keep on giving out juicy gossip, they’re both content to keep quiet and listen to Mark and Jackson practically recounting their entire relationship history.

“Remember when you fetched me home every evening, and kept trying to subtly find out how many girls I’d dated in America, and if I’d experimented with guys before, but I just didn’t get it?”

“Remember when I gave you that bracelet for your birthday and you returned it?”

“It was too expensive!”

“No, it was peanuts. Remember when you kept avoiding me without telling me the reason why and I felt like shit and drowned my sorrows in alcohol every night?”

“You didn’t!”

“I so did. I even came to this bar a few times. You can ask the bartender.”

“I’m sorry I caused you so much pain, but I felt like a peasant. I _am_ still a peasant.”

“You’re not. Hey, be the referee!” Jackson unexpectedly slaps Jaebum’s back in a friendly manner, without his usual rivalry.

When Jaebum doesn’t respond, he turns to Jinyoung. “You be the judge then! Who wins? I’ll give you a promotion if you pick me.” Jackson seems to be amusingly competitive about winning this game.

Jinyoung gasps, but before he can reply Jaebum objects jealously, “You’re abusing your authority!”

Jackson frowns at him, but before he can retaliate Mark grabs his hand from where it’s curled around the beer bottle and brings it up to his lips, kissing Jackson’s knuckles with drunk boldness.

The words immediately die on Jackson’s overactive tongue, his eyes widening to saucers as he seems to forget everything they were arguing about a moment ago and blushes for the first time in front of Jaebum and Jinyoung. It looks like they didn’t need the birthday present to embarrass him, because Mark has effortlessly reduced him to a blushing mess with one smooth move.

 

On the way back in Jaebum’s car, Jinyoung is uncharacteristically quiet. Jaebum wonders if he’s tipsy too — he himself had participated in their drinking game with a cup of soda, because he wanted to be sober to drive Jinyoung home and doesn’t have a chauffeur like Jackson. But when he offers a penny for Jinyoung’s thoughts, he’s surprised to see Jinyoung looking pensive when he raises his head.

“You still haven’t said anything about my whole monologue at that time in your car.”

Jaebum stills. “I told you… I didn’t know what to say.”

Jinyoung smiles, not seeming offended thankfully. “Remember you asked me how deep my feelings for you are?”

Jaebum nods, throat dry. He tears his eyes off the road to give Jinyoung a piercing look. Jinyoung’s face is honest, transparent, like a book Jaebum has been addicted to from the day he started reading it, re-reading it over and over but still unable to decipher all the minute meanings.

“I think they’re as deep as yours,” Jinyoung says softly.

Jaebum’s heart stops, then stutters into life again. “Are you sure?”

“Why do you sound so doubtful?” Now Jinyoung sounds slightly offended. “Just because you fell in love first, and loved me for longer, doesn’t mean my feelings can’t be as deep as yours.”

Jaebum hastens to placate him. “That wasn’t what I meant. But… I just can’t help thinking that you’re necessary to me in a way I’m not to you. Can you…” He swallows, unable to finish the rest of his sentence. _Can you live without me?_

It’s an absurd question to ask, probably too intense because they’ve only been dating a while. But just the mere thought of Jinyoung’s body and heart belonging to someone else, feels devastating.

Jinyoung is looking at him steadily, waiting for him to finish his sentence, but Jaebum doesn’t dare to, afraid of the look on Jinyoung’s face if he does. Instead, he says lightly, “If not for me, you wouldn’t have ever dated a guy, right?”

He knows he’s hit Jinyoung where he wasn’t expecting with that question at the stunned expression on his face. Jaebum sees his Adam’s apple bob in a dry swallow, before Jinyoung replies slowly, “I don’t know. Maybe. But that’s not important. I never thought of your gender as an issue after the initial barrier to overcome.”

“It’ll always be an issue as long as we’re together, in this country, in this world,” Jaebum says gently, smiling sadly at him. “And it’s enough for me that you like me enough to want to go through these difficulties to be with me.”

Jinyoung lapses back into silence, lost in thought for the rest of the ride.

 

Jinyoung doesn’t offer him a cup of coffee when they arrive at his apartment, and he’s slightly disappointed. Maybe today… he would have felt ready to take Jinyoung up on it.

But when Jaebum arrives back at his dark, empty house, his phone vibrates with a message from the number he’s saved as _My Jirongie_ , even though he’s not yet had the guts to call Jinyoung by this pet name in real life. Before they started dating, it was just saved as plain _Jinyoung_ , but even then his heart somersaulted every time the word lit up his phone.

He wonders if Jinyoung is still drunk, snickering to himself as he reads the message.

you’re always the one giving me surprises, but tonight, i want to show you that i can be romantic too.

Jaebum drops his briefcase and tie and sinks back onto the couch, unbuttoning his shirt lazily.

 _Surprise me_.

i’m sorry for being so forward, but the part of yourself you’re holding back…  
it’s the part i most want to see.

you may think that what i love most about you is your air of mystery, but you’re wrong.

my secret admirer swept me off my feet… but it was you i fell in love with

klutzy, adorable, sincere, imperfect you.

the you who loves me in a special way no one else ever has.

the you who showed me the kind of love all the novels talk about, exists.

i know I’m getting ahead of myself and we need time to nurture our relationship before you can show everything to me,  
but i can’t help being greedy.

i wish you could feel as comfortable around me,  
as i feel around you. that’s all :)

you don’t have to try hard to be extra chivalrous, extra manly, extra attractive around me,  
because the natural you is who i love.

i love your smile when you’re really happy and laughing at something you find funny.  
it’s a thing of beauty.

so, my superhero…

you can shed your mask and your suit and superpowers for good now.

because who i want is the man inside.

p.s. i still expect gifts on special occasions, though!

 

Jaebum spends a full minute staring blankly at the last message after the string of texts comes to an end. His eyes prickle and he feels ridiculously embarrassed although he’s alone at home because he never cries. Ever.

He quickly gets his wits together because he wants to reply Jinyoung immediately and not make him wait.

 _I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be condescending about your feelings. I guess it was just my inferiority complex speaking_.

His reply feels pitifully inadequate in response to the amazingly romantic chain of texts Jinyoung just sent him, but Jaebum still feels tongue-tied, both literally and electronically. He wants to reread every single of Jinyoung’s texts about a dozen times and dissect every word like the pathetic, extremely unsecret admirer he is. He abruptly realises that all this time, the one clinging to that air of mystery, that identity, wasn’t Jinyoung — it was him.

 _I believe you now_.

He sends another message, the only words he can think of to express his many exploding feelings right now. His heart feels ready to burst out of his chest and he desperately wishes he had followed Jinyoung up to his apartment. But as Jinyoung said, his way of surprising Jaebum instead of delivering his message verbally had been much more romantic. It’s the first time he’s been on the receiving end of such sweet messages and for the first time he kind of understands how Jinyoung must have felt.

His message obviously satisfies despite its brevity, and is replied in less than a minute.

good.

He can almost hear Jinyoung huffing. Jaebum laughs to himself idiotically. He’s about to reply when his phone vibrates again; Jinyoung is really spoiling him tonight.

honestly, half the reason i was pissed was because all my attempts to seduce you failed.  
my pride and self-confidence were hurt!

Jaebum snorts, covering his mouth. Attempts at seduction? Suddenly, all those times Jinyoung reclined catlike in his passenger seat and couch, watching him with bedroom eyes, make sense. It wasn’t like he didn’t know Jinyoung was flirting with him — but the intensity of Jinyoung’s desire takes his breath away.

 _Sorry_.

i’ll have to punish you.

Jaebum chuckles at the devil emoji at the end of Jinyoung’s playful message.

_What kind of punishment?_

hmm… do you want to give me a blowjob or a handjob?

Jaebum nearly chokes on air. He blushes violently again in the darkness of his apartment, relieved Jinyoung did not ask him this question verbally.

Apparently he takes too long to respond, because after a couple of minutes of racking his brain for an appropriately flirty response he receives another message.

i was kidding.

It’s too late, though, because he’s already sent his reply off at the exact same time he received it.

_Both?_

 

Probably because of his _Both?_ message, neither of them bring up the text exchange when they meet at work the next day. In the evening, they have another company dinner. Jaebum can’t help recalling the last one, before everything that happened since, when they were still not yet lovers, not even friends.

Today, Jinyoung can’t take his eyes and hands off him as he fixes Jaebum’s tie. He’s not wearing a suit, but he dressed up a little more today for the occasion as most of his clients would be present. Jinyoung is admiring the waves he just got styled into his hair during lunch hour — which Jaebum will never admit is partially because of their conversation yesterday and how he wants to look even more handsome for Jinyoung now.

When Jinyoung is done fussing with his clothes and threading his fingers through his hair, he leans against Jaebum’s chest — they’re in the men’s restroom alone, getting ready — and sighs blissfully.

“Your chest is so sturdy. You’re like my personal tree.”

Jaebum doesn’t admit that he’s been working out more lately to impress Jinyoung — it’s not like he wants to be more masculine than him… but yeah, he kind of does.

Jaebum wants to back Jinyoung into a cubicle and kiss him stupid, until he’s unable to stand on his own legs; but he doesn’t allow himself to start because he knows well that Jinyoung is the kind of addictive that he can’t tear himself away from once he starts indulging in. Kissing him is like sinking into quicksand — Jaebum finds himself hopelessly sucked into the whirlpool of his body and lips every time.

Jinyoung isn’t making it easy, though. He’s looking spiffy in his best outfit and has already turned too many heads for Jaebum’s comfort today.

 

Like the previous time, Jinyoung gets slightly tipsy — and because Jaebum is sitting beside him today, he also does. They end up having to share a cab back after the gathering is over, and when the taxi pulls up outside Jinyoung’s apartment he turns to Jaebum and asks the familiar question again.

“Do you want to come up tonight, hyung?”

Jinyoung’s hand is already on the door handle, as if expecting Jaebum’s declination. It falls, his grip loosening in surprise when Jaebum answers, “Actually, yes,” and pays the cab driver before helping Jinyoung out.

Jinyoung disappears into his bathroom for a shower after throwing together a few refreshments for Jaebum and asking him to relax on his couch while waiting his turn. Jaebum is glad to have the opportunity to look around Jinyoung’s house, which he has been curious about since before they started dating. In Jinyoung’s words — it’s everything he expected, and more. He wishes he hadn’t dragged his feet so much about this and came up to Jinyoung’s cosy, homey apartment earlier.

It feels like they’re going through milestones on a daily basis now, what with him visiting — and possibly sleeping over, if Jinyoung agrees — tonight and their texted confessions yesterday. It feels good, right, like something that is happening in the correct order and time.

Jinyoung comes out of the shower wearing nothing but his sweater — no pants. Jaebum chokes on his thoughts, air, his tongue — everything. Jinyoung can’t possibly expect him to stay in control with Jaebum’s sweater slipping off his still-damp shoulder like that, revealing a tantalising glimpse of delicate collarbones and clavicles, the hem falling too high over his thighs, barely covering anything. Wait… he is wearing underwear, right?

Unbidden, Jaebum has a sudden war flashback to the day Jinyoung sent him the picture of him wearing his sweater without anything else for the first time. It wasn’t even a particularly titillating picture, objectively — but that glimpse of the hem of his sweater slipping dangerously down Jinyoung’s creamy thigh, a little of Jinyoung’s hand fisted in the soft material in the top corner of the picture — it drove Jaebum wild.

On that day, he had immediately dropped his phone like a burned potato. Almost immediately, he scrambled to pick it up again with shaking hands. He stared at the picture for so long his power saver activated and the screen darkened to black. Annoyed, he quickly unlocked his phone again and proceeded to drink in every inch of the picture with his eyes. He wished he was the kind of person who could ask, shamelessly for Jinyoung to send him another picture with a better view. Sadly, he was only the kind who developed a painful hard-on and had to bring his phone with him to the toilet and jerk himself off with tortured strokes, hating his life and his perversity more and more with every second.

Fuck, he almost got come on his phone screen. Which was something Jinyoung never had to know as long as he lived.

Also, he didn’t just have one erection. Suffice it to say that he had to make a couple more trips to the restroom for the rest of the day, even though he didn’t look at the picture again and tried in vain to stop obsessing about it. His body hadn’t been this out of control since his teenage days.

 

And tonight, here Jinyoung is, standing in front of Jaebum in this very sweater as if he doesn’t know that Jaebum still isn’t _over_ it and wants to do _things_ to Jinyoung he’s never wanted to do to any other human being in his life. Jinyoung grows more sacred, more unbearably precious to him every second and all Jaebum wants right now is to pollute his purity, do filth to him that’s so lurid he can’t even think of it without blushing.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” Jinyoung’s deep voice breaks the shocked silence between them, charged with electricity. “Me in your clothes, in your house, in your lap. Show me what you wanted to do to me. The part you’ve been holding back, the basest part of yourself.”

Jinyoung hitches the sweater up a little, the hem riding up to flash a sliver of his skin above the underwear he’s thankfully — no, not thankfully for Jaebum’s crotch — wearing. He bites the collar of the sweater between his teeth, a look that should look awkward and would if anyone else were doing it besides Jinyoung. As it is, he looks dangerously erotic. Maybe it’s the carnal intent in his eyes, a trace of wild recklessness and sobriety no longer under the influence of alcohol. Jinyoung doesn’t look calm and put together at all right now.

“Come here,” Jaebum says hoarsely. He reaches out for Jinyoung just as he takes a step forward, smirking, and slides a palm beneath the hem of his sweater, his breath hitching at the feel of Jinyoung’s feverish skin and his wrist nudging a definite hardness below, through his underwear. Jinyoung raises his eyes to him, rubs against Jaebum’s arm a little. Jaebum swears.

Shocking him again, Jinyoung grabs the end of his tie and adroitly winds it around his wrist, pulling Jaebum closer until he grips the slimmest part of his tie directly under the noose and they are a breath away. His knee has nudged itself onto Jaebum’s groin and is kneading his crotch with deliberate intent. Jaebum feels heat pooling at his groin, a moan building in his throat.

“I want you to tie me up,” Jinyoung says sweetly. “With this.” He jerks his head behind Jaebum. “In my bedroom.”

Jaebum swallows hard. He’s already working the buttons of his shirt, from bottom to top, wanting to make a smirky remark about Jinyoung having read too many books of 50 Shades Of Grey but being to undone to speak, to move. Jinyoung tugs impatiently at his leash, but Jaebum doesn’t feel like being led like a pet towards Jinyoung’s room. He wants to assert dominance, make Jinyoung gasp and surprise him erotically as Jinyoung did him, show Jinyoung he may not necessarily always have the upper hand here.

So he closes his hand over Jinyoung’s arm, the one holding his tie, and uses the momentum to pull him into his lap. Jinyoung sprawls into his arms, caught by surprise, and Jaebum catches him, grabbing the backs of Jinyoung’s upper thighs and tugging Jinyoung into a sitting position with his legs spread around Jaebum’s waist. Jaebum places a hand on Jinyoung’s tailbone, precariously close to his ass. He hears Jinyoung whimper, his hard-on brushing Jaebum’s stomach.

“Let me do something first,” he whispers beside Jinyoung’s ear, feeling the shiver of his ragged voice ripple down his body, and then he reaches towards Jinyoung’s collar with his other hand to tug the collar down, revealing the collarbone that was exposed earlier. Ignoring Jinyoung’s soft gasp, he lowers his mouth to the exquisite, milky skin and sucks a hickey at that spot so Jinyoung will not be able to walk around with it carelessly showing for at least the next few days.

When he’s done, Jinyoung’s cock feels significantly harder against his torso, his breathing shallow. His own is pressing against Jinyoung’s ass insistently, tenting the front of his crotch. Jinyoung’s hand is still wrapped in his tie and he can only imagine how he will look all trussed and bound up, in his bedroom Jaebum still hasn’t seen.

In contrast to his earlier commanding self, Jinyoung is limp and boneless as Jaebum picks him up effortlessly, swinging him into his arms princess style. He giggles breathlessly as Jaebum stumbles his way to find Jinyoung’s room, so blinded by lust he would almost have tripped if not for the precious cargo he’s carrying.

 

“I… I don’t know what to do. It’s my first time.”

“Don’t feel stressed. Just do what feels good.”

 

“Just touch my body, wherever you like… and I’ll tell you if it feels good.”

“Okay. Here? … here?”

 

“What about…”

“Oh. _Oh_.”

 

Jaebum wakes up the next morning to sunshine filtering between the curtains of Jinyoung’s room and a song playing on the stereo.

“I wanted to listen to this song with the love of my life,” Jinyoung smiles at him, eyes hooded and shirtless. His bed is a mess, both their clothes scattered haphazardly on the floor.

 

_That’s why I’m easy, I’m easy like Sunday morning_

 

It’s by The Commodores, from a movie they had gone to watch together a week before, Baby Driver. Jinyoung had cried at the end and Jaebum held him close, feeling so much love for his soft heart. Jinyoung mouths along to the lyrics, grinning, and then actually sings the chorus. Like everything about him, his voice is perfect.

Jaebum doesn’t know what kind of look he has on his face, but it’s a look that makes Jinyoung’s smile soften into the crinkly eye whiskers Jaebum fell incorrigibly in love with, his eyes melting.

Jinyoung lies back down and snuggles into his arms obnoxiously. Jaebum shifts to make room for him in his embrace, against his chest which Jinyoung listens to as he listens to the music ending.

“I want to make you happy,” Jinyoung says quietly when the song ends, and he’s still smiling when Jaebum looks down at him. “Let me make you happy for the rest of your life, hyung?"


End file.
